"I'm Andy Richter." Jim Got To Be Side-Kick Today

Just when I think I'm not getting anything out of this therapy group... Iggy finds a way of wrapping things up and "around" to make you realize he has a method to his madness.  (My words.  Not his.)


We had a returning member this morning who had some personal issues over the holiday weekend... and didn't get back to group until today.  (So, for her, the slate is wiped clean and now she has to start all over again... another three or so months... or whatever... I don't know her issues or program she's under.)


ANYHOOTS... the entire gang were asked how we could best help "T" (our returning member) with her issues... OK, so she went out and bought another mini-bottle of vodka.  Did she finish it, apparently not... but she was clearly angry with herself about having done so.  I totally understand that point, even though that's not my drink of choice... that doesn't matter...


When we did the round-robin commentary in terms of what we ourselves thought happened, I simply asked, "And what are your plans for tomorrow?"  Did she still have the stuff still in her house was what I was going for... and I TOTALLY went off the AA mantra of:  "I can't change yesterday. Tomorrow is promised to no one." 


Iggy used that as a touch point for the rest of the session and kept coming back to me as a sort of side-kick person to his daily talk show. 


I ignited a conversation within the group and we got "T" to open up a bit more about the personal strife she's dealing with.  What it all came down to was my was own personal/internal mantra of thinking five or six steps ahead.  I think that's what Iggy grabbed onto in order to make "T" not feel so self deprecating.  In the span of a minute or three, all I said was:  "OK... what happened obviously happened... what are your plans for tomorrow and/or the day after that?"  (If I were allowed to use my phone camera... the visual on the white board would make a lot more sense than my rambling.)


What happened was a point by point strategy for "T" (and the rest of the group) to implement in her daily life.  My thinking numerous steps ahead mentality apparently hadn't occurred to a lot of these folks.


I defused my own initial comments as best I could, as it's not my place to judge or whatever... all I said was the bit about me knowing what I would do in that situation if time and finances allowed for it... "T" is a lovely lady and it was just the manner in which she spoke today that made me comment from the get go.  I never intended to suddenly become the new host of the show... but Iggy didn't seem to mind... so I.... guess... I did well today?!?


Action = Reaction, right?  Every deed has its consequence, right?  Meh.  What do I know?!




P.S.  Should I cross charge Gateway for hosting a majority of the meeting today?!?  ;-) 

Why Must Blogger Fight Me So?

I have had one HELL of a time getting onto Blogger the past couple of days.  I haven't been avoiding posting, I'm just a victim of the internet that I am dealt with.


The past two days in Recovery have been well and good.  We're a little light member-wise following the holiday weekend, as some folks are having issues in their personal lives... (off the clock as it were)... and we didn't dwell on it as it's none of our business.  Iggy said that as far as we were concerned, it didn't apply to our sessions.  I get that.  I certainly wouldn't want him speaking to the gang about me if I weren't there.


We have some newbies in the group now and they have been more than a little chatty while Iggy is speaking.  I see the occasional twinge in Iggy when he is interrupted.  I can now share knowing glances with several of the other members, who all know full well not to interrupt Iggy when he is speaking.  I am the first person to associate with that reaction.   


I have no real topic today as a lot of what was discussed was of supremely personal nature for the gang.  It was just nice to be able to freely give commentary and actual advice to our newbies. 


I hope we are at full team strength tomorrow.  I'm concerned about two of the missing people.


If anything comes further to mind, I will post again later tonight.  If not, consider all things well.  :-)

Weekend Recap & Learning Someting New

Saturday's meeting was a mixed bag.  The general consensus was dealing with folks in your lives you don't ever want to... but have to...  I heard some horrific stuff Saturday... none of which I really ought to share here for privacy reasons.


Sunday was another abbreviated day, but the "good ol' boy" as he himself referred to himself as had a very interesting story to tell.  Stef may have understood him better than I did on several occasions, but only due to that Southern accent of his.  Still and all, a great story, and a very nice gathering of Sponsor/Sponsoree.  I got to hang with my new one before and shortl after Saturday's meeting.


I am officially hammed out.  I made a brown sugar ham for the holiday and my neighbor smoked some ham and salmon.  (Of which we received both.)  I have to admit I liked the smoked ham a bit more, but then, I liked smoked meat... and that will roll into a conversation in a moment...


Tegan T. Dog... however... is NOT officially hammed out.  She adored it all.  Bless her fuzzy little heart.


So, I had a comment to make to keep this blog current... today (Monday) we had to deal with a SUPREMELY ABBREVIATED cast o' characters.  There were only five of us for a good portion of the morning.  One of the newbies checked in a bit later, and got grilled for it from Iggy's boss. 


ANYHOOTS...


General conversation started off with how everyone's holiday weekend went, which was fine as we here had a lovely quiet weekend.  The conversation took an odd turn when it shifted over to triggers.  Now, in AA, we don't often speak about triggers, but in Recovery, it seems that's all that Iggy talks about. 


People spending time with family/friends/etc.... were there triggers?  Yes.  Were there for me?  No not so much, because to be honest, I've not been thinking about it.  Parts of the conversation shifted over to grocery shopping and having to deal with walking by any booze aisles, and how we cope with it.  "P" said he enjoys walking through them and reminiscing about what he bought and they sales on his favorite items... I went in a different direction and said that I treat it like a strip club... you can look but not touch... because if you do touch, you have to deal with the ramifications/consequences of that choice.  Iggy like that comparison.


I'm hoping for a better turn-out tomorrow... as the excuses for today were very valid.  We were missing quite a few people. 


I also stand by my "look but don't touch" policy.  It's been working well thus far!


OH!  And as for the learning something new portion:  I will never EVER look or smell vinegar the same way again as "M" (the current highest ranking heroin addict in Group mentioned... that's how you judge the best grade of heroin.  Either in powder form or cooked form, it will always smell of vinegar if it is of the utmost quality... I had to pull him aside after our session toask if that was actually true, as that is not my addiction of choice... I never (THANKFULLY!!!) knew that... but it will make cleaning out sinks or making marinades a little odd from this point forward.)

WOW! I'M OFFICIALLY OLD!

I was doing some pretend gambling today on Facebook, and a friend posted a comment that really made me feel old.


It was THIRTY (THAT'S THREE ZERO PEOPLE!!!) years ago this past week that the final episode of M*A*S*H aired!!! 


When we did our round robin intro session to the new players at group yesterday... I "jokingly" admitted to being fifty...it was only when I saw that Facebook post that it really hit home.


My goodness... 30 years!!!  I loved that show and still love it.  I suppose I really ought to get my carcass out to Toledo and try some of those hotdogs at "Packo's" as Klinger was always raving about!

 

LIVE! FROM AURORA! IT'S THURSDAY NIGHT... Morning...Afternoon...whatever...

It was an interesting day at Inpatient.  We lost three cast members and were introduced to the three new replacements.  It's sort of like when the cast over on SNL changes between seasons.  I've been promoted to the full-time cast.  By virtue of my age, I am now one of the oldest people in the room.


All kidding aside, it was nice to see three people get to move on to their next phase of treatment.  All of them were/are lovely people and made me feel welcome within the group when I first got there.  I will do my best to make the three newbies feel the same way. 


There really wasn't a topic for today, as Iggy was more concerned with those departing.  You can tell he cares about each of us.  He got a little misty...even though two members that were leaving gave him an enormous amount of jabs and general B.S.  (ALL IN GOOD FUN!)


We did have a session, mind you.  Iggy openly admitted he was stealing part of the lesson from a NAMI course he is also involved with.  Stef will love hearing a bit about that later. 


It more or less boiled down to not being locked into the internal thought process of our addictions.  We are more than "that".  Yes, we are flawed in our own ways... but it shouldn't be the main focus of our interactions with other people.  Some of the group disagreed stating that meetings with other users/abusers helped them with their own problems.  I mentally sided with those comments.  But I also got where Iggy was coming from in the fact that there's more to all of us.  We have thoughts/ideas/dreams/feelings/etc.  that are far more important than harping on our substance abuse... if that makes any sense whatsoever.


A chocolate cake arrived from a restaurant Stef keeps telling me we have to go to for breakfast.  So, we all had a piece of cake and wished our departing members well.  Come Monday... it's a brand new show with a slightly different cast.  This should be fun.  :-)


And in keeping with the SNL analogy...


Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.  ;-)

Possibility Blooms With Each New Day

Today's title comes from what is hand-painted calligraphy-style on the wall of the room I have my daily Inpatient sessions.  I spend a lot of time looking at that while the others are talking.  I like it.  Possibility indicates a way out of this morass that my life became.  (NOTE!  Past tense!)


We as a group finished off the assignment from last week.  We will be losing some of the court-assigned people in the next couple of days.  I wish them all nothing but the best... but they have a much harder road to tread... (heroin and all that.)  I wish them well!!!


I did take a slight bit of offense this morning when Iggy asked all of us how things were going since yesterday.  When it came to my turn, I said that I was feeling particularly proud of myself for two weeks sober.  Now initially, he said that was great and to continue what I am doing... BUT... out of the other side of his mouth, he also mentioned that we as addicts shouldn't misconstrue sobriety from simply being "dry".  As I said, I took offense to that and will most probably unload on him during my personal meeting with him later this week.


WTF?!?


I get better feedback from my friends in AA.  I didn't drink a drop.  I have maintained a level of sobriety (for me!) that has been far beyond what I have experienced so far... and... it doesn't make a difference?!  At least to Iggy apparently.  "Recovery is more important than being dry"...said Iggy.


In AA, those two work hand in hand. 


I will also mention that he didn't ride "C"s ass as much as mine, and he had a year going.  Again... WTF?!?


It was a very good session.  I will speak to Iggy about a matter or two.  I just felt it odd, is all.  You say one thing and then contradict yourself with a separate comment.

Regeneration v Cognitive Reconstruction

Forget Batman v Superman... today's Inpatient session was about Regeneration v Cognitive Reconstruction. 


Now, the term 'regeneration' is a key ingredient to a number of storylines pertaining to my all time (no pun) favorite television series, and I am well familiar with that process.   I've been through it numerous times in my life already. 


"I" was telling the group that a vast majority of our bodies have it within itself to regenerate damaged internal organs over time.  (In my case, the liver.)  What can't regenerate is the damage I've done to my brain through these many years of alcohol abuse.  The best we can hope for, according to "I", is cognitive reconstruction.  I'm not digging typing "I", as it is making it hard to decipher what it is I'm ttrying to talk about... so let's just say "Iggy" from now on, in reference to my psychologist in charge of inpatient sessions.


We (the patients) can only try and work on our minds, habits, compulsions as best we can internally.  I (meaning me) can remain sober for the rest of my life, but the mental damage has already been done.  The thought of the act/process will always be there and I shouldn't drag myself over the coals fretting about it... I just can't act upon it.  Apparently it's even worse for the several heroin addicts in my session... as Iggy spent a bit more time with them throughout the course of the day.  It still doesn't take away from a very good meeting.


Sunday's open meeting was not without its own chuckle and eye-opening experience.  The woman who spoke stated that she had wasted nearly half of her life either drinking or using, and was very grateful she was still around to be with those she loves.  I am also guilty of wasting nearly half my life on the same thing.  And for what?!  What purpose?!  What was I thinking?!  What was the point of it all?!? 


As the speaker "A" said at the end of her talk... "Who puts the breeze in the trees?"  Indeed, "A".  Indeed.  ;-)


Saturday was a busy day.  The early morning meeting had to deal with anger.  The dude sitting next to me at the meeting brought it up as a topic.  I guess he'd been at work earlier in the morning and a co-worker had pushed a few buttons... and he didn't want it to ruin his entire day.  Well, too late for the rest of us, as what transpired was over an hour-plus of people bitching about their co-workers... (ALTHOUGH...)... my pal "W" did have the best story about anger management to share.  As Stef described "W" to our Saturday dinner guests... "W" is a pimp cane shy of being the totally coolest/relaxed cat in the room.  "W" is pretty fly and easy going, so to hear some dynamite expletives about his anger for a co-worker was hysterical for all involved.


Made a nice dinner on Saturday.  It was well received and enjoyed.  Can't say anything bad about that.  I shared that with the group this morning when we did our weekend recap.  Tomorrow should be fun as the rest of the group has to discuss their homework assignment.  Myself and the tutoring heroin addict spoke first today.

Update of the Weekend and Today to Follow Later

Busy weekend, what with meetings, company and shopping.


Second week of Inpatient Treatment starting in an hour or so... more on what's been going on a little later this afternoon.

Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real

The title comes from one of the heroin addicts at my daily session.  It's an acronym for SOBER.  It obviously relates to the falsehood of our addicted lives and the reality of our sober lives.


Thursday's session was an odd one.  We lost another member.  He was there for the early portion of the morning, but was suddenly missing when the first five minute break was over.  He was constantly talking over the other members and even talking over our counselor "I". 


The general topic was a bit confusing, as none of us were exactly sure what "I" was fishing for.  None of our responses seemed to appease him in any way.  It was just odd.


Wednesday's session dealt with Internal and External Motivators.  My internal motivators are the building blocks of my sober life, and my external motivators are my wife/friends/fellow AA members etc..  It is my job to properly balance the two.


I have homework for Monday's meeting and I am ready for that session.  I have meetings tomorrow and Sunday.  So, things are pretty booked.  I'm also looking forward to having some folks over tomorrow for a nice St. Patrick's Day meal.  Should be fun.


One day at a time, which is strangely enough, the topic of today's thought of the day:


"Yesterday is gone, forget it; tomorrow never comes, don't worry; today is here, get busy."  All we have is the present.  The past is gone forever and the future never comes.  When tomorrow gets here, it will be today.  Am I living one day at a time?"

One is Too Many. One Thousand Is Never Enough.

DAY TWO:  Intense Outpatient Program.


The title of the post comes from someone in my Group earlier this morning.  I really liked it and made it a point to jot it down.


Mornings start promptly with our Counselor "I" (his initial) going around the room and asking us how we're doing and how yesterday went.  I was happy to say that today was my one week anniversary.  (OK, it's like my third one total, but we also discussed how some of us keep track of time differs from person to person.)  I've been making it a point to keep myself busy when I get home from my sessions, and that has been really helping.  So has the tough love we give one another during the day. 


There was a bit of a commotion when one of the Group admitted she went out yesterday and bought a pint of vodka.  Why?  Because she wanted to have a drink.  She claims to have only taken a few sips and put the bottle away... but our Counselor was more than a little put out.  He asked that they both meet after the day's session.  She's quite possibly going to have start her program all over again... we shall see what happens tomorrow.  (I am keeping this rather generic, as these sessions are quite a bit more stringent and putting in too many details is not part of their recovery program.


A majority of our discussion turned to "Conditioning" and "Prediction Error".  "I" posited that "T" automatically went out to purchase that bottle due to her conditioning, rather than trying to determine several other options as opposed to drinking.  It made a lot more sense in the meeting than it does as I am typing this.  (Think Pavlov's Dog Conditioning, that's how "I" described it.


Another of my Group was four days clean from heroin.  He's still going through withdrawals, and it's odd to see a scrawny young man sitting in a chair with his knees drawn up under his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs.  The Group knew more about him, but as this was only my second say meeting him, I was more than a little shocked to find out that his normal job is being a tutor.  (I'm not judging, mind you!  Just odd to me.)


Yesterday, Monday, was my first day with the Group and the last hour and a half was dedicated to me, so I could introduce myself to the gang, tell them my story, and what I hoped to attain during my program/treatment.  They were both kind and brutally honest in their responses, which I appreciated.


Looking forward to Wednesday.


Weekend Flashback:  As I didn't blog, Saturday's meeting with Neighbor "J" was nice.  Not quite that many people as usual, but at least it was a better topic.  It was in regard to what everyone does with their down time at home and away from AA meetings.  Everyone had their own little stories, but it all came to a halt when one gentlemen spoke up, stating that he was 3 days sober following nearly 18 years in the program.  He had no reason for this massive relapse, but he was utterly distraught with his announcement.  Thankfully he was in the same facility where I attend my sessions, so "I" was there to assist following the meeting.  I also got a new sponsor, it was my neighbor's sponsor.  That was nice,


Sunday's open meeting was sort of a mirror image of mine.  It was a woman who was in the AA program, while her poor suffering husband was in the Al-Anon program for family members.  Overall, an informative meeting.  I sat next to my former sponsor "J", and we left things very amicable.  He even said he was sorry about his availability and that I was always welcome to call him if I ever felt the need.  That was very kind of him and I let him know that.


That's about it for now.  :-)


I should be back in the swing of things going forward.  :-)   


  

Doing Outpatient Counseling - Owe The Blog a Post

Today is Day Two of Intense Outpatient Counseling.  I owe this blog a more in-depth entry.  I will post again later this afternoon.

 

Tacky - But Funny

This is somewhat tacky considering what I am currently going through... but I have to admit... I needed that laugh this morning.  Just thought I'd share.