Sunday January 31, 2016 - Put My Sobriety First

Today was an opening meeting.  I could've made the 9AM meeting, but I opted for the 10:30 meeting that had a speaker.

His  name was the same as mine.  He was about the same age as myself... but his story was quite different than mine. 

Throughout the meeting I did relate to the whole "ego reduction" as put forth by the First Tradition:

"Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on AA unity."

I meant to post this earlier in my journal, but I only just remembered it this moment as I am typing... this is the LAST selfish thing I am ever going to do in my life.  I am going to remain sober.  I can't do it for my wife, I can't do it for my family, I can't do it for my (graciously used 'my') dog, I can't do it for anyone but myself.   

THINGS TO TAKE TO HEART TODAY:

From the Daily reading:

1. A sober life is a happy life.
2. God loves drunkards and fools.  (OF WHICH I AM BOTH!!!!)

Second meeting with Janice tomorrow.  Looking forward to it.  Will attend meeting afterwards.

Saturday January 30, 2016 - Another Step Three?!? WTF?!?

We really need to shake up the status quo at these meetings.  This is the third time this week I had to go over the third step.  I don't mind, but the fact that three (including myself) out of the four people at my table were involved in the last Step Three meeting were the same people... we all sort of looked at each other wondering what else could we add to what has already been said.

We muddled through.  Well, that's not fair.  We didn't "muddle"... we just tried to reword what we have already said before. It was still a good meeting.  I read the 24 page for the day today.  The Thought of the Day, The Meditation for the Day and the Prayer of the Day.  If I can get to a decent computer, I will try and download that book.  That's a good book.  I will try and see if that is something I can download at the library following my second meeting with Janice on Monday.

My brother wanted to go out for dinner, just the two of us, this evening.  His first choice was completely packed, so we tried Pilot Pete's over by the second to last house.  There was a massive line, so we ended up somewhere down Lake Street/Route 20 at a burrito joint.  No biggie.  It was actually good food and I kept it under $6, so he wouldn't have to pay for his useless older brother's meal.

On the way home, I covered one of my amends.  I made amends to him and just about every single person he's ever dated that I treated like a subhuman.  (I didn't use those words!)  I just apologized and made amends as best I could.  He was cool with it all and forgave me.  That was a load off of my shoulders.

It's been a rough, but productive week.

Friday January 29, 2016 - Step 12

Today's meeting was a surprise!  Let's talk about jumping Steps!  From the lower echelons of the Steps straight to the last one.  I'm still working on all of the others and the group went right to the last one:

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

That's a huge request considering I'm still working on the other 11.  I'm not anywhere close to claiming success over Step 12... BUT... as a portion of this step includes merely talking to other members as they enter, helping those with disabilities and just being there for someone, etc. etc. ... I'm actually on my way!

One of the members has been in and out of the program for years... and just wanted a shoulder to lean on for a few moments... the poor bastard got me.  He's been clean the EXACT same number of days as I am this time around, so we had that in common.  We chatted briefly prior to the meeting and then ironically ended up at the same table for group discussions.  I was glad to offer some minor suggestions to him that might make his new journey back into sobriety easier.

I can't claim victory over Step 12.  I need to get there one day.

Side Notes:

1.  I made chicken noodle soup for them.  I had to do the one thing I hate to do... which was to cook everything into a goo-like substance so that Grumblor would actually deign to eat it.  On the plus side, he did have two bowls (as I was told.)  I have no money to wager, but I bet that soup is going to be in the fridge till at least Monday or Tuesday.

2.  I've  been ORDERED to make my father an omelette tomorrow, so the last of the mushrooms can be used up.  SIGH.  Fine.  He can wait till after tomorrow's meeting.

Thursday - January 28th - Step 6

Only three people at the meeting today, but that's all right, I enjoy small groups like that, as it gives me a chance to be heard.

The topic was Step Six:

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Defects.  I have tons.  But the discussion was more about the intricacies of what makes up our total defects.  The basic conversation was about ego versus self-esteem.  It was about "thinking" badly... but somehow managing to DO the GOOD thing.  I'm a work in progress on that one.

For far too long I let my ego run my life.  If I had some slight advantage over another person, I would exploit that for my own personal gain.  Since all that has occurred, I realize how sad and pathetic that sort of mentality has been, and how sadly and pathetically I've been living my life.

When I get  to my making amends Step, there are a number of people I owe massive apologies to... whether I like it or not.  I have been speaking to my idea of a higher power and am working on filling those horrible self-centered holes in myself with thoughts of other people.  I don't want to go back to being that other person ever again.

SIMPLE LESSON

Also from today's meeting.  A simple lesson... but a profound one:

"You drink.  You die."

I don't want to do either.

Wednesday January 27 2016 - Visit #1 with Counselor - Step 5 Accomplished

I had my first meeting with Janice today.  It was a very excellent first encounter.  I arrived ten minutes early so she and I got an extra ten minutes of the session in, which I really appreciated. 

Meeting with her (and she agreed) covered the mandate that is Step 5:

"Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

I told her my whole story and just about everything that has happened up until this point.  She took copious notes and made some wonderful comments designed to get to know me better.  She was also very pleased with my AA attendance and the fact that I am journaling this as I go along.  She said that it would invaluable during this part of my recovery.


Speaking of recovery, I asked her outright if she thought a residence in an inpatient facility was something I should pursue, and she was of the opinion that:  "No.  You're going to meetings.  You're clearly working hard at staying clean.  I see no reason at the moment to have you enter a program like that.  Just keep doing what you're doing and we'll talk more about things at your next meeting."


So overall, that was a success in my book.  Very nice and very professional.  I like that.


I attended a 12 & 12 meeting at 6PM.  It was yet another discussion on Step 3.  That's twice in one week.  They were reading out of  the 12 & 12 book.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.)  I don't own it, so I asked the host if I could borrow it for the evening.  He was more than happy to let me borrow it.  I will read it tonight and return it tomorrow.


Busy day.


Side Note:


It was my father's birthday today.  He had microwaveable pancakes.  Yahoo.

Tuesday January 26, 2016 - Let the Chips Fall Where They May

Today's meeting was a Step Meeting.  Following the standard readings, we split up into groups and each group had to draw a casino chip with one of the 12 Step numbers taped to it.  Our group drew the number 3.


" Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him."


This is a rough Step for me, as I turned my back on the Church decades ago thanks to the brutality of certain nuns and priests.  But the discussion turned more to what people felt their higher power actually was.  It's the line "as we understand him" that is paramount.


Some of the discussion group felt that their sponsors were part of their higher power.  Another person felt as though sitting in these meetings with fellow alcoholics were becoming their higher power.


Me?  I'm working on that one.  I am back in touch with mine and things are somewhat working better.  Well, better than the past couple of weeks, that's for sure.


Meeting with the Counselor tomorrow.  Should have more to discuss at that point.


Side Notes:


SSDD.  "Eat something grumble, grumble, undecipherable speaking!"  "No thanks."  "Then starve.  Grumble, grumble, undecipherable speaking."  (Then it was back to lip reading Centennial.)   

Monday January 25th 2016 - Tomorrow is Promised to No One

Today's meeting was another one regarding Step Four:


"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."


As I previously mentioned, I am continually in the process of doing this moral inventory and everything I find keep getting worse and worse.  I mentioned this to the group I was a part of today and one of the guys said something that really hit home.  It made participating in this program the tiniest bit easier.

1. I can't change what happened yesterday.
2. I can only live for today.  One day at a time.
3. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

I like that a lot.  So, that's what I've been doing, taking it one day at a time.  It's not easy, but then it's not supposed to be.


Side Notes:


1.  This place is like the set of The Walking Dead.  The front door is completely sealed as my father's too cheap to replace it.  The downstairs exit to that patio is completely sealed with paneling as if a Walker invasion is about to occur.  Again, he won't pay to have it fixed.  The lighting in this place makes WWII submarine movies look like the Vegas Strip.  The heat levels in here are set to the high 70's.  I don't need to go to hell... I'm living in it.


2.  They FINALLY through away the Chinese food when the kid left.  Getting bitched at for not eating, but I am not hungry, and to be honest, microwaved pancakes aren't my idea of dinner.  (That's one of the only three things my father will eat.)


3.  He garbled something about having a piece of toast, but then I opened the breadbox they have in the kitchen, there wasn't any bread.  He just sat there with a self-pleasing, smug look on his face.


SIGH. 

Sunday January 24, 2016 - The New Normal

Today's meeting that I attended was an Open meeting with a speaker.  I like these meetings as you hear someone else's story and you realize that there are other people out there in the same boat as yourself. 


As it's anonymous, I won't go into her specifics, but when it came time for the comments/remarks portion of the day I actually commented.  That's something I don't normally do during any of the Open meetings I attend back in Aurora.


I could relate to her feelings of remorse following a slip.  I have those.  I could also relate to her comment about once the remorse was felt... she had no idea why she went ahead and did it all over again.  That's why I am in the situation I am in now.


I chatted with some of the people afterwards and as I said in my first real post here, they are a lovely and supportive group.  I wish we could export this sort of support a little further out to my District.


SIDE NOTES:


1.  My father does NOT ever sleep.  He spends his days/nights/early hours of the next morning in front of a laptop, hacking up a lung, pretend gambling, and watching mini-series from the late 70's on Youtube, with no sound.  He tries to lip-read the actors.  I tried telling him there's a closed caption function on Youtube, but he just grumbles something, waving me off as if I don't know what I am talking about.


2.  The kid is sick, so she's most probably not going to school in the morning.  She and the brother are in his room watching TV both burping and farting.  She's also taken to occasionally grunting like he does. 


Nice.


This is the New Normal.

Saturday January 23, 2016 - HERE THERE BE MONSTERS

I attended my first meeting in Streamwood today.  A very welcoming and friendly group.  This one is not like my home group back in Aurora.  Not everyone there were something like three decades into the program.  I always felt intimidated by that with the other group.


Today's meeting topic was Step Four.

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."



I obviously didn't like what immediately sprang to mind during my moral inventory.  I am, at worst and quite simply, a liar.  I lied to my best friend.  My ONLY friend.  (I have no others whatsoever.)  I am self-centered, egotistical, petty and generally useless in any given situation.



Our group discussion turned to 'fear'.  What do I fear?  Easy.  Losing my wife.  I have so MANY amends I need to make with her and I don't know even know if another amends would even be heard, yet alone believed.  I can only hope it isn't too late.



The strange title of this post stems from something that happened a little earlier this evening.



My ride picked me up from the meeting and we ended up at Jewel.  I feel bad enough being here, and I'm not about to eat 4 day old Chinese food that's been sitting in the fridge since before I got here, so I bought a 12 pack of Diet Dr. Pepper and a simple bag of Pepperidge Farms Caramel Apple Cookies.


Not the best idea for food, but I'm not hungry... so... the only other soft drinks in the house were room temperature regular style Dr. Pepper, regular Coca-Cola, and a ton of juice boxes... I figured I was fine with what I bought.



I put what I thought were my Diet Dr. Peppers in the fridge and the cookies in their pantry.  I had one can of pop while I got used to these new/old surroundings.  By the time I finished unpacking as best I could, with the minimal amount of energy I had, I went to grab a second pop... nearly six others were already gone.  I see my father nursing a new one and an empty one next to it.  That kid came around and lo and behold... there are some of the others in her hand.



SIGH.



Imagine my surprise later this evening when I went to grab just a simple cookie, only to find the bag missing.  They'd been completely consumed by that kid and my father.



Here be monsters.  This does not bode well.