After Care. The Shingles Return. The Fusion. Today's Meeting

After Care went well, so I'm going to start there. Jim and I had a lot of topics to cover, and we managed to get to most of them in our time together. It helps that he's in AA also, but his support is obviously psychiatric first, then he offers other AA support as needed. He was happy that I still managed to attend meetings over the weekend, and told me that I could also call him at any time if I need to. That was good to know. My homework is to revisit the first three steps and work on them more intensely, but also to keep working on my fourth step, but steps one through three require more urgent attention at the moment.




I woke up yesterday feeling a little off, but I chalked that up to the weather. I thought it was just the rain. When I got into the shower before heading off to see Jim, I noticed that the Shingles had returned. Yahoo. They're pretty brutal this time. It's on the same side and in the same area as last time, but it's a much more ugly shade of red and hurt worse than before. I was fortunate enough to still have one last pill on hand, so I was able to at least get that going right away. I was also lucky that I still had refills, so I phoned that in before my appointment. I had to pick up other meds at the same location anyway, so I got them all at the same time. I hope it clears up as quickly as last time. We'll see.




The Fusion is in the shop for some much needed brake work. It's also been leaking fluid onto the driveway and was told by Russ our mechanic that it's not oil, but the transmission line. Apparently it had rusted through. It did shift funny on my way back home yesterday. So, we dropped it off at our normal place for the brakes first thing this morning. He's going to drive it over to another place for the transmission, as Russ doesn't do that sort of work in his shop. We're hopeful to have this back by Friday. Otherwise that could make Tuesday a little more interesting.


I dropped Stef off for work and drove her car home and hopped into the shower, so I had time to make my Wednesday meeting. This is the big one that usually breaks off into four separate groups for further discussion. I've been sharing more at meetings these days and I spoke earlier today about my disappointment in myself and my behavior. The folks in the group said some of the usual things that are said at most closed meeting like "Keep coming back." "One day at a time." It was nice to hear "It gets better." It was also nice to get hugs from people I really don't know that well, but who were there to lend me support when I was done speaking. That helped along with my appointment with Jim yesterday.


That's about it for now. I'm still working One Day at a Time.


Nothing overly funny to post picture-wise. I just wanted to share this fan art someone did for the late Gene Wilder. I said for years that Willy Wonka was clearly a Time Lord. A permanent home on this blog seemed like as good a place as any to keep it in perpetuity.

Regeneration. It's a Lottery.

I thought Stef might need a little pooch love/support today.  This looks so sweet!  (And bacon fits in anywhere... any day of the week... at any time.  Right, Teggie?)

For Norma and Stef

It's been a trying weekend here.  Stef lost her mother last night.  I suppose the only thing I can say is that she and her husband are together again.  It's hard to accurately convey thoughts at a time like this.  Stef needs me.  And I am there for her.  There aren't enough hugs or words in the world to comfort her at the moment.


So the things I thought that might've been "cute" about today's meeting lay on the side of the road in lieu of personal matters.  It was a good meeting to be fair.  The speaker and I were wearing the EXACT same Hawaiian shirt.  (There.  That's the cute bit.) 


At the moment I can't think of anything else to write.  As I already said... not enough words/actions.  I will try and make her something nice for dinner and just simply be there for her.


Until then, here's a lovely photo of her with her parents in happier days.  It's a small gesture as I type this, but I don't know what else to do at the moment.


I love you all and I am so incredibly sorry for our loss.

God, that man could eat.  :)  I miss that.  As I will miss your mom.

I'm Lovestruck Baby.

I really should've gone to that show.  A fixed point in time (JEBUS!  26 years) that not even a Police Public Call Box can cure.


I had freaking tickets in my hand courtesy of the radio station I was working at back in the day.  I also had a full time job with Osco that put restrictions on my free time.  I figured... what the hell... why drive up to Alpine Valley, Wisconsin?  OK, sure, Robert Cray, SRV, Clapton, Buddy Guy and even Jimmie Vaughan... I can just catch them the next time they come through town.  How wrong I was!!! 


I will never ever forget that morning driving into work.  No one knew who was in that particular helicopter.  I selfishly said... "Well, Clapton, he's a legend.  What a way to go.  Cray?  A new guy on the scene.  Would the music world be that affected?  Nah.  SRV?  Oh, that would be a blow."


Like I said, this was the old Jim who still thought he was immortal.  I can't even begin to say what I felt like when one of my liquor salesmen (Chuck) came in and said that it was SRV.  I've buried a lot of my idols in my day since then... but this was the first one that really hit me hard.  I may have been alive when John Lennon was murdered, but he was just a tad bit slightly before my time.  SRV was mine.  Since then I've buried the entire original line-up of The Ramones.  Two separate members of KISS.  Another Beatle.  And my all time favorite author, Douglas Adams.  I tend to take these things with a much larger grain of salt these days.  




Still and all... your AA speech is awesome!  It's online.  Check it out if you've got a moment.  Miss you, SRV!!!

Meetings and Being Overdressed

Blogging a little late this evening, so this might be a little shorter than usual.


Saturday's meeting was kind of a downer topic-wise.  We discussed feelings of isolation and discouragement with ourselves, our higher powers and general feelings we're going through.  I don't think I feel isolated at all.  I have a nice support system in place with my wife, my sponsor and those I surround myself in meetings.  I may feel a tad bit discouraged, but that's only because I don't as much time invested in the program as much as many of the others.  Someone celebrated 36 years sober.  I guess I sort of feel discouraged that I probably won't ever get to that kind of number.  LOL.  But I will give it a darn good try.


Sunday's open meeting was with a gentleman who started drinking in/around age 5 in the late 50's grabbing his dad a bottle of beer from the fridge while dad watched TV.  He drank enough from longneck bottles until just before it was noticeable.  Things for him got rough when he was a teen and either had to face court or enter the military.  So, he soon found himself in Vietnam as a young teen where when not on patrol, the only other thing to do was drink and engage in "other" items that are used to alter the mind.  But to be fair, he's been sober since 1981, so bravo to him!


Today's meeting dealt with the first paragraph of the "How it Works" reading we do at each and every AA meeting:


"Those who do not recover are people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to be born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover, if they have the capacity to be honest."


I've been doing an infinitely better job of being honest with myself since I got out of Residence and throughout IOP and After Care.  My live conversations with Lyn, my sponsor, have helped immensely as well.


I had two employment meetings today and I was overdressed for both interviews, but that's just me complaining about the current pool of potential employees hiring folks are seeing.  The gal I saw at the temp agency was wearing flip flops and a pair of those sweatpants with the word Pink embroidered on the back.  Nice.  Not many office openings available at the moment, but they're going to keep me posted if that's going to change.


The second interview I am going to accept.  It's part time, but it certainly beats not working.  So, a win in my books.


Other than that, nothing else to report.  Just feeling a little better about things in general with the whole job front.  More on this as is warranted.


One Day at a Time.


And here's one from a new comic strip I stumbled across:

This is Lance You're Talking To... You Have No Morals.

Oh dear I've been naughty with the upkeep.  So let's see if I can make this better.


The past weekend's meetings were pretty good.  Saturday was interesting in the fact that a vast majority were at the golf outing, so attendance was low, but still some decent discussion to be had.  Got a snuggly huggly from my sponsor over my four month anniversary, so that was cool.  Also, some nice comments from regulars who know me from other meetings.  I ran into Andy and he said he'd be utterly pleased to pass along that information to the other counselors in Residential.  I was also glad to hear that Joe successfully came out of his cancer surgery.  GOOD FOR HIM!!!


Sunday's meeting appealed to Stef as it pertained more to the psychological aspects of the speaker's recovery.  And as I told my After Care therapist Jim yesterday... it was nice not to have to go down that whole "how it used to be" part of the open meetings.  We all have our stories and they usually tend to be the same in the "before" times, so Sunday was refreshing.


Monday's meeting at St. David's was also nice.  It was a small group.  One table.  On the drive over I was mentally doing gymnastics on whether or not to share my anniversary as I'd just done it two days running over at Gateway and Mercy... but the selfish part of me that still exists wanted the pat on the back.  Polite applause ensued. 


Yesterday was my appointment with my therapist.  It had been almost a month, if not more, since the last time he and I were in a session together, but we picked up where we left off at. 


I am still presently working my way through Step Four and I am nowhere near completion, but then, there isn't a timeframe for it.  It's just tough.  For me, this is a really rough one.  Jim and I spent most of my session talking about it.  "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory  of ourselves."


I've been mentally going over this step for a number of weeks now.  It takes up my morning and evening mediation times... and pretty much a lot of my personal time.  I said as much to Jim.  He commented that this one is a major issue for a lot of people in the program.  He volunteers at a prison and has a group he helps with their addiction(s).  He gave me one of the handouts he gives those guys.  It's a combo of AA and NA.  He said to obviously take from it what I could and to work on it to the best of my abilities.  We'll discuss my own personal findings when we next meet.  Needless to say it's rough going. 


Ego has a lot to do with it, he said.  Just when I think I've stopped being judgmental of other people, I have to address that dragon... my ego.  I've been internally working on this throughout today.  I was out and about looking around the area for a possible gig and had added a few to my list of applied jobs.  Something has got to hit sooner or later.  I said as much yesterday and he was hopeful too.


I have a meeting on Monday with a new agency.  My repeated calls to the old one have not been returned.  (We spoke about that too.)  UGH! 


Side-note:  As Jim and I were talking about my gigs... he said that he thought my voice sounded familiar.  Apparently he had booked a party for their group when I was working with Portillo's.  He said he dealt with "some guy" who was uber-helpful and knew about the dishes.  Jeepers... who do you think he spoke with?  LOL.  We had a laugh over that one.


I'm checking on a gig tomorrow that will involve a slight road trip.


One Day at a Time.


The following photo gag is a thinker.  Spot the joke:

HOLY FRIJOLES!!!

Today I am 120 days sober.


I do OPENLY admit that I sometimes feel like I'm not entirely "there" yet... but then again... it's not like it's the destination... it's the journey, right?  So, maybe Jim will never ever feel like he's "there"... wherever (unintentional rhyme) that might be.


I shared my anniversary earlier today with people who are not in my common realm of sober friends.  Let's be honest... 99% of them are total strangers... and you know what... their applause today meant more to me than what I could (and probably will) get this upcoming weekend during my home group meeting. 


I called and left a message for my sponsor earlier this afternoon.  I still have to thank my neighbor John (whom I have not yet seen today as I type this... but am hopeful that) he will/would be delighted to hear the news.  I have a former IOP counselor who is probably in transit to Syracuse University whom I am dying to tell.  I will tell my After Care therapist next week.  And then there's you guys from Gateway that I can see out there hovering around in limbo, who view this blog... thanks guys!  I just thought you'd want to know.  :)


But, as you know, I have a daily (ALLEGEDLY!) blog to keep me accountable. {COUGH. COUGH. YEAH DAILY RIGHT! COUGH}


Gearing up towards 6 months and beyond!  ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!

And the Serenity Prayer for all... I have been saying this for four months now before I go to bed and before I start my day.

I Have An Allergy.. DUH!

So I learned today that I have an allergy.  An allergy to alcohol.  Well, duh!  At least I wasn't the only one attending today that wasn't already completely aware of this SHOCKING new revelation!  There was an exchange of glances throughout the room at this reading, but then, this meeting is not made up of the same folks week in and week out.  I'm wagering the bulk of regulars attend earlier in the morning at the church, or later in the day once the court-ordered and (probably not surprisingly)courthouse people clear out.


I saw enough films during my stay in residential and IOP, and had enough conversations to know and now finally recognize that "chronic" alcoholism is a form of allergy.  Not that I can ever use that as a defense!  I don't!  I had that discussion with Jim my After Care therapist. 


But I will say that it has been really exceptionally nice to be able to discuss this with a completely clear head and frame of mind.  And as I briefly mentioned yesterday, a somewhat more spiritual sense of where I am it in my recovery.


For me, that's a HUGE deal.


I'm try and not be so down on myself as much as I used to be... but that's a rough road.  I'm desperately trying to find a new gig, but it's incredibly hard.  I've been playing phone tag most of the day today with a new temp place, but at least all my info was there for them to see once we finally connected.  While I try and be positive it gets rough personally.  I try and remain positive on the one front, but the other temp agency that called me once again, to place me back in a job I once already proved I could perform, isn't returning my calls. 


It's not affecting my recovery... it just makes morning and evening mediation more of a challenge.  See, that's where my spiritual side presents itself.  I wouldn't have even remotely done that while I was drinking.  Sobriety has opened my eyes to that side of life.  It helps me sleep somewhat... but I'd still trade a bunch of sleepless nights for a regular paying job.


I'm a couple of days shy of a MAJOR personal celebration.  I have that to look forward to!


One Day at a Time!


I laugh every time I see this photo. 

 


  


The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seemed doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired of ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol." Have I had a psychic change?

Can Psychology and Spirituality Exist Together?

My Monday meetings can be a mixed bag.  Sometimes they're uber-religious, sometimes they're uber-silly, and sometimes depending on the number of people attending, they can actually be uber-psychological.  Normally these two topics don't often end up in an AA meeting, but the reading actually had to do with the program being BOTH psychological AND spiritual.


Now, having spent a great deal of time in both Residential, IOP and now After Care, I certainly have a much better understanding surrounding the psychological side of my addiction.  I did have to defend these three separate programs this morning when one of the other folks wouldn't budge on the uber-religious aspect of their own sobriety.  This person chose to eliminate a particular phrase from their personal recovery and felt we (those of us who went through a hospital-type recovery and just didn't turn our entire lives completely and without further thought over to God) were wrong as a result.  The phrase I'm referring to is "A God of my own understanding, or sometimes worded, Higher Power as I understand him/it." 


I had to use the terminology from those three areas I encountered and said the infamous, "Recovery is a process, not an event.."  I also added that if along with the information I had learned in Gateway also worked in conjunction with the more spiritual side I admit to have found in current life, wouldn't that mean that they can exist together?  My fellow members who had been in a similar program sided with me that yes they could.  Then our colleague started reciting biblical rhetoric that got a few of the other uber-religious people on his side.  {SIGH.} 


It was a losing argument that early in the day, so I did the usual Closed meeting comment of, "That's all I got.  I'll keep coming back."  I didn't personally care for the overly pious smile I got out of the guy when we closed with the Lord's Prayer, but I'm getting much better at being nice to other people.


ANYHOOTS!  I will keep coming back to that meeting as it is very local and I do like the people.  Some of them I see on my Saturday meetings.  Sidenote, this was another weekday meeting where one gentleman wasn't there yet again.  If he isn't well, no one has said a word, so maybe it's none of my business or no one is aware.  Saturday ran long as usual, but it was nice to Lyn back.  Sunday was the combo Al-Anon/AA meeting.  Those are always interesting, if a tad bit wordy.  But at least there's usually a pretty full house for those!


Working on finding work still.  I did some major editing on my resume and actual writing for a pretty good cover letter if I do say so myself.  I am hopeful this will turn into something.  I found the location of the temporary agency here in Aurora that I submitted it to.  It's sort of on the way to my Tuesday meeting.  I will either call or dress slightly better and maybe show up in person?  I haven't decided yet.  I probably should burn those documents first and have them printed up so I can bring in hard copies... again... I will have to think about that first. 


One Day at a Time.


And here's a fun photo for Stef and Teggie:

Spirituality. Compassion. And Weekend Meetings.

New Month.  New set of daily readings and reflections, so that's a good thing. 


Interesting meeting on the whole.  A tiny bit more religious than I'm comfortable with, but I prefer to think of myself these days as more of a spiritual person, or at the very least, trying to do better in that realm.  So, I've been doing a much better job of asking my higher power for help when necessary, which is usually during my morning and evening mediation.


Compassion was another key element today and I've also been working on that bit as well.  Having more compassion for my fellow man and AA members.  I'd have been more compassionate to that one particular person I've mentioned a number of times on this blog, but this was the third day in a row that I haven't seen him at any meeting.  He wasn't at the Saturday meeting, he wasn't there yesterday and he wasn't there this morning.  Weird.  Here's where I try to work on my compassion and hope that all is well in his world.  His former sponsor wasn't at yesterday or today's meeting, either, so I couldn't exactly ask him.


My Saturday meeting went well.  Forgiveness of self was the initial topic, but that morphed into Forgiveness as a whole as the meeting went along.  I met Gary, the gentlemen my sponsor wanted me to link up with should I need to speak to anyone while he's off in Scotland.  Nice guy.  Also got to speak with my friend Andy from Residential.  That went well as usual.


I wasn't sure how yesterday's meeting was going to go when the woman started her talk, but she had an interesting story to tell and had the events she'd gone through.  So, while I don't have the same issues she had, I could relate to her talk about relapsing.  I've been there and have no plans on going back.


I may have a lead on a gig.  I will know more tomorrow.  I should be getting a call.  I also have a gastrointestinal appointment on Wednesday.  Yay me.  (NOT!)


One Day at a Time!