RACISM GALORE and Some Calming Photos

My evening meeting can't come soon enough... all I am hearing is about the Half-Time Show About (and I sort of politely quote...)  "That (insert your own use of the letter 'n' here).. Balloonsee (HIS racist commentary, not mine)... and how she should be exterminated for even existing....

Said I:  What do you care?  You didn't even watch the game or performance?
Said Grumblor:  <CENSORED 'n' word of your choice> I don't need to watch to have an opinion.

SIGH!!!!

I am going to try and post some calming photos... let's see what happens:

For Teggie:

Miss you... you little sugar booger

And one more just to cleanse my soul despite the parental racial hatred... this one is for you Boo:

I'm off to a meeting.  Maybe I'll get ran over on the hobble there.  I need a meeting... I just feel like my life sucks right about now.  More later if time permits or I feel the compunction to do so. (Sorry!)

Sunday - February 7, 2016 - Just Be Useful

Today was a VERY GOOD open meeting.  The speaker had the usual issues, but he circumnavigated them, in order to just get to the heart of his speech.

Yet again, part of the speech was taking it one day at a time... which I am doing, so that's good.

I commented afterwards during the "comments" portion of the meeting.  I thoroughly related to the bit about where he said it wasn't "just about quitting drinking"... it was working the Steps in conjunction with the not drinking.  (Hey!  That's what I've been doing!  Pat on the mental back of me to appease my counselor who said I need to do more things for myself.  Yes, yes, some ego still there, but I apparently have to take small victories where I can find them.)

My favorite part of his speech was the portion about just being useful to other people and to NO LONGER CARRY THE WEIGHT of what bothers those around me... Holy Pepperoni!  That's what I think I'm doing right now!  I will discuss this with Janice tomorrow afternoon.

My one complaint about today's meeting involved a very bitter member of Al-Anon that came into the meeting.  As it was an open meeting, there were about four new people that were there for their first time... I don't think they needed to hear how utterly horrible she thought we all were for being what we are.  She went out of her way to take up about 15 minutes of commentary time to tick off the litany of complaints she had against her husband.  Fine, but I found it a little self-centered to go out of her way to chastise the rest of the group for something they had no direct interaction.

I could tell by the look on some of the first-timer's faces that they probably wouldn't be coming back... at least not to that meeting. 

I just found it very strange that in AA we're told to let go of our self-centered, selfish, ego-inflating ideals and help other people... yet all this woman spoke about was what she was taught in Al-Anon... and that was to think only of themselves...

Isn't that a contradiction in terms for both groups?  How are we NOT going to lock horns?  I'm being told to let go of my previous regeneration... and they're being told to hold onto to their current ones with everything they have.

Maybe I'm missing something... maybe I'll address that one with Janice.  We will see tomorrow.

SIDE NOTE:
Grumblor is having a banner day.  He's become Shrieklore about "Handball" as he calls tonight's sporting event.  All Americans are morons, etc. etc. etc.  He's in a particularly fine mood... it's going to be a LOOOONNNG EVENING!

Saturday Evening Meeting Recap

Saturday's meeting was an open one with a speaker.  It was an exceptional meeting.  Met and spoke with some very friendly people, and heard a very uplifting story.

I could relate to the portion of his story of looking into the mirror and absolutely hating what I saw there, and how I internally blamed everything else around me for being responsible, but the fact of the matter is... I still made the choice drink.  No one else did.

What was his one comment?  True courage is not the lack of fear, but to work through that fear no matter what.  (Something like that.  By the time I pulled out my little notebook to jot that down, he'd moved on to another topic.

The other take away was the part about learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I think I'm doing a much better job of that this time around.

Couple of potential meeting options for either this morning or early afternoon.  I still haven't decided which one I want to attend.  Probably should get cleaned up first and then figure it out.

More later.

EDIT:
19 Least Intelligent Dog Breeds... I take issue with the Bullie entry.  My bullie was extremely smart.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/pets/the-19-least-intelligent-dog-breeds/ss-BBofzoG?ocid=HPCDHP#image=6

Crackin' Toast Gromit - A Rant

Yesterday (Friday) my brother went to go pick up his pretend daughter and take her to Disney on Ice.  Fair enough... whatever floats their boat.  I asked if she was staying the weekend and when I heard that she was I started hiding cans of Diet Dr. Pepper.  I've gone from hiding cans of beer to hiding cans of Diet Dr. Pepper.  I felt bad doing it, but I only just bought the twelve pack yesterday.  I hobbled over to the 7-11 after my meeting and wasn't about to watch another batch disappear.

When I got home, Grumblor decided he wanted one of his Boston Market Meat Loaf dinners, as its one of the few things he can eat without his teeth.  But that's not the point of this post.  My mother came home from work not long after that and noticed that he was already eating, so she opted not to make dinner as she wasn't in the mood to cook.  So, her dinner of choice?

Toast.

She:  Vant zum toast?
Me:  Um, no thanks.  I'm fine.

She starts with a single piece of bread and she keeps ejecting the piece of bread every few seconds to check on doneness.  I'm assuming, much like everything else in this place, it no longer works properly.  Once she was satisfied she said:

She:  I've got butter.
Me:  Honestly, I'm fine.

After a brief search of the fridge she follows up with:

She:  Look!  I have jelly, too.

When I turned it down again, she just went downstairs to watch The Young and the Restless.  I gave her some quiet time for that and then went downstairs,  She then switched over to PBS to watch Check, Please.  She has a notepad next to her chair.  She writes down the names and addresses of restaurants you just know she's not ever going to visit.  She claims it's for possible sites to take work clients.  Whatever.

Around 7:30 or so, Grumblor demanded cheeseburgers.  So we ended up going out to Wendy's.  I really wasn't hungry any more by this point, but I was forced to order something, so I chose a small burger from their $1.00 menu.  Again, whatever.  I can't win either way.  I'm either told I'm too fat or I don't eat anything... which do you want?!

She started getting worried about Grunty and the kid's whereabouts as it was rapidly approaching 10:30.  I admit that I found it weird, too.  I can't imagine Disney on Ice running that late into the evening.  When they finally returned home, Grunty was already yelling at her as they entered the house.  Now, I'm no father but I'm pretty sure you don't call a child a f-ing bitch to her face.  They apparently went to Taco Bell, so he practuically flung a taco or two at her and went into his room.  The usual grunting ensued.

Their argument carried over into his room and she started crying.  I think she stopped around 1AM.  I've  been up since 4:45AM.  I was going to  stay up and type all this then, but when I went to the bathroom, there was Grumblor still lip-reading YouTube and hacking up a lung.  I just went back into the sauna and read for the most part.

Around 7:20, I came out here to the kitchen and was pleased to see that Grumblor had finally shut off the computer, but he immediately came over when I turned on Grunty's laptop.  Grunty woke up not long after and whatever happened to start their argument continued... he's demanding an apology.  He's off to take her to piano lessons and her math tutor soon, so they will be out of the house,

As for me, I'll be hitting the shower and seeing about hitting an earlier meeting... who knows... maybe I can hit too if there's a decent schedule in store for today.

I'll stop ranting now.  I'm just tired, I guess.  Gee, I wonder why that is?!  I'll do a real post some time later today... I'm sure there will be things to discuss.

Oh, and thanks to some of you out there checking out the blog.  I can see on the tail-end of things that I've  been getting hits from the same people in several different states. 

As the Talking Toaster said in the hit BBC comedy "Red Dwarf".... "Anyone want some toast?"

Friday - February 5, 2016 - Step 2 and a "Possible" Gig

HUGE meeting today.  There had to be at least 25 people!  I guess that happens on a Friday afternoon.

So today was Step 2:

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Now, I've already embraced that particular Step... and I know seriously (if I truly work at it) that nothing is really that painful or insurmountable (Their word, not mine.)  My insanity and ego are totally linked and I have to give them both up.  Or something like that.  At least that's what I took out of the meeting.

SIDE NOTE:
So, while in the meeting, my phone went off.  It was a 630 number.  I thought it might be Janice calling to reschedule, but she's at an 847 number.  It was another temp agency asking if I'd be interested in a Proposal Writer gig with Motorola.  It sounds temporary but with potential.  I initially responded via email to the guy who contacted me and updated my information per his request.  I 'm not sure what to expect from this.  We managed to link up via the phone.  His name is Rahul... and he's a little hard to understand,  We did a quick five minute phone interview.  He would like to progress further, but I had to push him back into next week.

I know I'm not supposed to lie anymore, but I had to offer a slight fib.  I don't think all that is going on in my life should be common knowledge at the moment.  He knew through my most recent resume that I am "technically" still in Aurora.  I told him that I am helping my family out at the moment and do not at present have access or time to commit to an official interview.  We will reconvene via phone in the new week.  We shall see what will happen.  Pay would be pretty good if it actually panned out... slightly better than the OMX money I was making... but temp.  Five to six months at the beginning. 

I need to get my head around all of this.

Mr. Sandman... ANOTHER ADDITION!!!

OMG!!!!

Another addition to my dream catcher list!!!

I was practically ORDERED to make my brother and his girlfriend dinner tonight, as my mother couldn't be bothered to do it... far more important to watch The Young and the Restless apparently.  (ALTHOUGH... interesting to see former GH stars doing better acting!)

ANYWAY... I opened the pantry to grab any sort of seasoning... as she "forgot" to buy appropriate amounts of... oh, I don't know... FAJITA SEASONING on her way home.  One tiny Walmart packet isn't going to cover the amount of chicken she bought. 

The seasoning I grabbed DIED IN 1999!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm not kidding!  There
s no mistaking the date stamp and copyright stamp on the package.  So, my brother and his girlfriend get to eat whatever the "F" has been prepared for them tonight.  Bon chance guys!  I'm not touching that stuff!!

Thursday - February 4, 2016 - Step 7 and Who Let the Dog In?

Today's meeting was a 12&12 meeting.  Step 7 and Tradition 7.  The Step qualifies for me, but the tradition was more for AA as a whole and didn't come into our conversation.  Tradition 7 deals with the AA group being self-supporting. 

There were only five people in attendance and one VERY LONG in the snout Chocolate Lab named Cappucinna.  Sweet pooch belonging to the hippie that served as the moderator today.  I once again did the daily 24 reading for today and that didn't really apply to me either as I never really took any friends out drinking, which is what the Thought of the Day was about.  Ruining other people's sobriety and encouraging their alcoholism.  I don't think I ever did anything like that to the best of my knowledge.

Step 7:
"Humbly asked Him (God) to remove our shortcomings."

We all took turns reading the full chapter pertaining to this Step and the gist of the conversation was that of humility.  Oddly enough, I was only just speaking to Janice the other day about this entire Step.  We're both of the opinion that I'm doing well on the humility aspect of my life... but it also sort of contradicts what she suggested about me making time for myself.

How does one stay humble AND do things for one's self?  A question I suppose I will have to ask her on Monday... provided that's the day we are meeting.  I need to call her again and leave another message.  She didn't return my previous call... but she was most probably busy.  Her phone does tend to ring a lot during sessions.  Those calls go straight to voicemail.

So, humility, humility, humility.  I know about humiliation... that's for sure.  I will have to continue working on the actual "humility" portion.  A lot of these Steps are easier for me this time around.

February 3, 2016 - I Read the Following Today

I got to read the following at today's meeting:

"By drinking, we escaped from boredom for a while. We almost forgot our troubles. But when we sobered up, our troubles were twice as bad. Drinking had only made them worse. In A.A., we really escape boredom. Nobody's bored at an A.A. meeting. We stick around after it's over and we hate to leave. Drinking gave us a temporary feeling of importance. When we're drinking, we kid ourselves into thinking we are somebody. We tell tall stories to build ourselves up. In A.A., we don't want that kind of self-importance. We have real self-respect and honesty and humility."


I can relate to the forgetting our troubles part well enough... but the one that gets me is that drinking only made them worse!  Isn't that the truth?!  I've also certainly kidded myself about my own self-importance.

I think I'm doing a good job on honesty and humility.  I hope self-respect finds its way into my life.  It's just that for the past nearly two weeks, I constantly keep feeling down on myself... which is a hard thing to let go of.  I shared that around the table earlier and they too, like my counselor Janice, said to keep working hard on it.  It will apparently come to me when I least expect it.

ANY TIME NOW!!!   

Wednesday February 3, 2016 - Mr. Sandman... Send Me A Dream

OBSERVATION:

There are 23 Dream Catchers hanging around this house.  I counted them out of sheer boredom.  Upstairs and downstairs, a total of 23 of the damn things.

Do you know what dream(s) I want caught?

1.  Light bulbs of a massively higher wattage.  I know he used to work in a coal mine... but does the house have to look like one too?  It's like living in a crypt.  The only sunlight I technically see is during my walk to and from AA meetings.

2.  Triple A (AAA) batteries.  The remotes downstairs do not work at all.  I have to steal batteries from my brother's room remote just to turn on the damn television and then return them once it's on.  It's annoying.

3.  A vegetable peeler. I was going to make them soup and asked where the vegetable peeler was.  I know they had one as I was the one who bought it some time ago.  I was told it was thrown away as they never used it.  Oh sure, throw away a useful kitchen utensil but keep rotted spoons that we haven't used since Jimmy Carter was in the White House.  (SERIOUSLY!)

SIDE NOTE:
My brother just left for work.  He opened the pantry looking for a package of Pop Tarts to take with him.  Imagine his surprise when there was only one package left from a box that was only purchased a day or so ago.  I know I didn't eat them as I can't stand blueberries... but I did see Grumblor with two separate plates of the things yesterday.

Weather looks better today, so no dealing with horizontal rain for my meeting. 

Tuesday February 2, 2016 - Step 6 and As-Salamu Alaykum

How badly do I want to remain sober?  How about hobbling down the street for my meeting today in a February thunderstorm... with horizontal rain... with only two other people at the meeting once I got there?

All that being said, I had a good day. 

Today's topic was a VERY NICE change of pace... we went over Step Six:

"Were entirely ready to have God remove our shortcomings."

Well, that's easier said than done... I have LOADS of shortcomings... as mentioned in this journal/blog... but as I approach it stone cold sober... you know what... maybe asking for that isn't too far fetched.  My story was no different than those of the other people there tonight.

I'm slowly getting over my self-centeredness and self-pity.  If my higher power did that for me or I did it for myself... who can say?

A lovely thing happened after the meeting. 

The other two people were there for the Polish-speaking meeting following ours, so I was on my own.  I got out of the building, and the minute the door closes, it locks.  So, there I was under the awning... witnessing a February thunderstorm (as previously mentioned)... I wasn't about to hobble home so I went into the Muslim mini-mart next door to just avoid getting soaked.  The guy at the counter, Tariq, was very nice and offered me a cup of coffee...I told him I had no money, as I just gave AA my last two singles... he said, "No.  My coffee." and he offered me one of those teeny-tiny cups of Middle Eastern coffees.  It looked like something Barbie would drink.

We shared a moment and the weather let up enough for me to trudge on home.

As-Salamu Alaykum. Tariq!  If Grumblor knew about that interaction, I'm sure he'd be throwing a mattress around the house.  HAH!  I WIN!  SMALL VICTORY!

Monday - February 1, 2016 - One Good Meeting. One Bad Meeting.

I'm typing this the day after the fact, as I didn't have access to a computer.  I had a very good second meeting with my counselor Janice yesterday.  We briefly went over some of the initial topics we discussed last week before moving on to how things are today.

Still sober, so that's a great thing. 

She asked what I was doing for myself lately and I replied "You mean apart from not drinking and going to meetings daily?"  She said yes.  What am I doing for myself?  What things make me happy?  I told her that's a double edged sword at the present time.  I told her I love to cook, but considering all that's  been going down around here the past couple of days, I see no reason to do it.

She asked about Stef and whether or not we'd been in contact with one another.  I said only through text messages.  Janice suggested I offer to cook for her for Valentine's Day... but then I pointed out that THAT particular suggestion was problematic.  That would involve me going back home... and I don't think Stef wants me back there any time soon.  Also, it wouldn't be fair to tease Tegan like that... showing up for one evening and then disappearing again.  So, I'm at a loss. 

Janice had a question for Stef and I offered her number so she could ask her herself, but all she wanted to know was the timeframe involved in this separation.  I told Janice I certainly couldn't ask Stef that question as it would sound like it were coming from me and not someone else.  So, again, Jim's at a loss.

So, what am I doing for myself.  The same.  Remaining sober and going to meetings daily.  I will ATTEMPT to cook something for them... and have that fall flat on my face when Grumblor finds he can't or won't eat it.  SIGH.

BAD MEETING
I know it's the beginning of a new month and the leadership role over at AA changes hands... but I don't think the guy running last night's meeting knew what he was doing.  Hell, he pretty much said so himself.  He went through the basic preamble stuff.  I volunteered to read the Thought/Meditation and Prayer for the Day.  That's been about the third time or so that I've done it.  I will probably offer to do it again later this afternoon (Tuesday) when I go to the next meeting.

ANYWAY... the guy used the moment for topic selection to go off on some bizarre tangent about the episode of road rage he experienced on the way into the meeting, and that was the topic we were supposed to discuss when we broke up into separate groups.  We all just kind of looked at one another with a WTF look on our faces?  We tried to narrow it down to some sort of semblance of an AA related topic, but nothing came out of it.  We just shared a brief story and that was about it.  We stood up and did the prayer and went about our way.  It seems that was happening at the other tables, too.

So that was probably the worst AA meeting I've ever been to.  It can only get better from here.

SIDE NOTE:
Got home after my meeting and was told by Grumblor that there were cheese sticks on  the stove.  I lifted the lid and there was the tiniest sliver of cheese stick left and he's sitting there with that self-serving smug smirk on his face.  Oooooh, you got me, Grumblor!  (Then he complains that I don't eat.)  SIGH.  I took a photo of it.  I have no idea how to upload it from the phone onto this blog... as it should remain online in perpetuity. 

One day at a time, indeed Jim!  One day at a time!

HUH! Bad Boys! Bad Boys! Whatcha Gonna Do?

So my father popped a cog Sunday evening.  For whatever reason Grumblor was feeling particulary feisty and decided to tell my brother that he wanted him and his girlfriend out of the house.  (By the way, he said that to her face!)  My brother obviously got angry.  Words of the four letter variety started flying.

I made the mistake of asking where the cutting board was, as I was going to make something for my mom to eat.  I didn't know it was in the dishwasher.  He mumbled something unintelligible and I could make out, "What do you need the cutting board for?"  Ummm... to cut something, I imagine?!

He got pissy about me wanting to dirty something he was in the process of cleaning.  I didn't need it right that moment.  I was more than willing to wait the ten minutes left on the dishwasher timer.  I figured... "No big deal."  Well, apparently it was a big deal.  He started ranting about who knows what and more or less kicked me out of the house as well.  My mom got in his face and she ended up leaving in her car.  That's when he got extremely extra-pissy.  He tried calling her cellphone, but accidentally dialed his sister Marcy.  I think it was her that called the fuzz, as she called while they were in the kitchen.

It was amazing at how quickly his ranting, grumbling gibberish turned into actually sentences when there were two uniformed police officers standing there.  My brother defused the situation with the police.  They asked if he and my father wanted them to put out a look-out for her car, but they declined, saying she'd be home shortly.  Which she did.

So... WTF was all that about?!  I don't know.  I asked my mother about it this morning on our ride into her work.  She's letting me use her car so I can attend my counseling session later this afternoon.  She said that he gets like that from time to time.  Like that makes it any better?! 

He's doing the traditional thing of ignoring it all... as if it never happened.  He's pretend gambling right now.  I've packed my bags regardless.  I will have to see what other options there are out there for me.

Another day in paradise.