Just when I think I'm not getting anything out of this therapy group... Iggy finds a way of wrapping things up and "around" to make you realize he has a method to his madness. (My words. Not his.)
We had a returning member this morning who had some personal issues over the holiday weekend... and didn't get back to group until today. (So, for her, the slate is wiped clean and now she has to start all over again... another three or so months... or whatever... I don't know her issues or program she's under.)
ANYHOOTS... the entire gang were asked how we could best help "T" (our returning member) with her issues... OK, so she went out and bought another mini-bottle of vodka. Did she finish it, apparently not... but she was clearly angry with herself about having done so. I totally understand that point, even though that's not my drink of choice... that doesn't matter...
When we did the round-robin commentary in terms of what we ourselves thought happened, I simply asked, "And what are your plans for tomorrow?" Did she still have the stuff still in her house was what I was going for... and I TOTALLY went off the AA mantra of: "I can't change yesterday. Tomorrow is promised to no one."
Iggy used that as a touch point for the rest of the session and kept coming back to me as a sort of side-kick person to his daily talk show.
I ignited a conversation within the group and we got "T" to open up a bit more about the personal strife she's dealing with. What it all came down to was my was own personal/internal mantra of thinking five or six steps ahead. I think that's what Iggy grabbed onto in order to make "T" not feel so self deprecating. In the span of a minute or three, all I said was: "OK... what happened obviously happened... what are your plans for tomorrow and/or the day after that?" (If I were allowed to use my phone camera... the visual on the white board would make a lot more sense than my rambling.)
What happened was a point by point strategy for "T" (and the rest of the group) to implement in her daily life. My thinking numerous steps ahead mentality apparently hadn't occurred to a lot of these folks.
I defused my own initial comments as best I could, as it's not my place to judge or whatever... all I said was the bit about me knowing what I would do in that situation if time and finances allowed for it... "T" is a lovely lady and it was just the manner in which she spoke today that made me comment from the get go. I never intended to suddenly become the new host of the show... but Iggy didn't seem to mind... so I.... guess... I did well today?!?
Action = Reaction, right? Every deed has its consequence, right? Meh. What do I know?!
P.S. Should I cross charge Gateway for hosting a majority of the meeting today?!? ;-)
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Why Must Blogger Fight Me So?
I have had one HELL of a time getting onto Blogger the past couple of days. I haven't been avoiding posting, I'm just a victim of the internet that I am dealt with.
The past two days in Recovery have been well and good. We're a little light member-wise following the holiday weekend, as some folks are having issues in their personal lives... (off the clock as it were)... and we didn't dwell on it as it's none of our business. Iggy said that as far as we were concerned, it didn't apply to our sessions. I get that. I certainly wouldn't want him speaking to the gang about me if I weren't there.
We have some newbies in the group now and they have been more than a little chatty while Iggy is speaking. I see the occasional twinge in Iggy when he is interrupted. I can now share knowing glances with several of the other members, who all know full well not to interrupt Iggy when he is speaking. I am the first person to associate with that reaction.
I have no real topic today as a lot of what was discussed was of supremely personal nature for the gang. It was just nice to be able to freely give commentary and actual advice to our newbies.
I hope we are at full team strength tomorrow. I'm concerned about two of the missing people.
If anything comes further to mind, I will post again later tonight. If not, consider all things well. :-)
The past two days in Recovery have been well and good. We're a little light member-wise following the holiday weekend, as some folks are having issues in their personal lives... (off the clock as it were)... and we didn't dwell on it as it's none of our business. Iggy said that as far as we were concerned, it didn't apply to our sessions. I get that. I certainly wouldn't want him speaking to the gang about me if I weren't there.
We have some newbies in the group now and they have been more than a little chatty while Iggy is speaking. I see the occasional twinge in Iggy when he is interrupted. I can now share knowing glances with several of the other members, who all know full well not to interrupt Iggy when he is speaking. I am the first person to associate with that reaction.
I have no real topic today as a lot of what was discussed was of supremely personal nature for the gang. It was just nice to be able to freely give commentary and actual advice to our newbies.
I hope we are at full team strength tomorrow. I'm concerned about two of the missing people.
If anything comes further to mind, I will post again later tonight. If not, consider all things well. :-)
Monday, March 28, 2016
Weekend Recap & Learning Someting New
Saturday's meeting was a mixed bag. The general consensus was dealing with folks in your lives you don't ever want to... but have to... I heard some horrific stuff Saturday... none of which I really ought to share here for privacy reasons.
Sunday was another abbreviated day, but the "good ol' boy" as he himself referred to himself as had a very interesting story to tell. Stef may have understood him better than I did on several occasions, but only due to that Southern accent of his. Still and all, a great story, and a very nice gathering of Sponsor/Sponsoree. I got to hang with my new one before and shortl after Saturday's meeting.
I am officially hammed out. I made a brown sugar ham for the holiday and my neighbor smoked some ham and salmon. (Of which we received both.) I have to admit I liked the smoked ham a bit more, but then, I liked smoked meat... and that will roll into a conversation in a moment...
Tegan T. Dog... however... is NOT officially hammed out. She adored it all. Bless her fuzzy little heart.
So, I had a comment to make to keep this blog current... today (Monday) we had to deal with a SUPREMELY ABBREVIATED cast o' characters. There were only five of us for a good portion of the morning. One of the newbies checked in a bit later, and got grilled for it from Iggy's boss.
ANYHOOTS...
General conversation started off with how everyone's holiday weekend went, which was fine as we here had a lovely quiet weekend. The conversation took an odd turn when it shifted over to triggers. Now, in AA, we don't often speak about triggers, but in Recovery, it seems that's all that Iggy talks about.
People spending time with family/friends/etc.... were there triggers? Yes. Were there for me? No not so much, because to be honest, I've not been thinking about it. Parts of the conversation shifted over to grocery shopping and having to deal with walking by any booze aisles, and how we cope with it. "P" said he enjoys walking through them and reminiscing about what he bought and they sales on his favorite items... I went in a different direction and said that I treat it like a strip club... you can look but not touch... because if you do touch, you have to deal with the ramifications/consequences of that choice. Iggy like that comparison.
I'm hoping for a better turn-out tomorrow... as the excuses for today were very valid. We were missing quite a few people.
I also stand by my "look but don't touch" policy. It's been working well thus far!
OH! And as for the learning something new portion: I will never EVER look or smell vinegar the same way again as "M" (the current highest ranking heroin addict in Group mentioned... that's how you judge the best grade of heroin. Either in powder form or cooked form, it will always smell of vinegar if it is of the utmost quality... I had to pull him aside after our session toask if that was actually true, as that is not my addiction of choice... I never (THANKFULLY!!!) knew that... but it will make cleaning out sinks or making marinades a little odd from this point forward.)
Sunday was another abbreviated day, but the "good ol' boy" as he himself referred to himself as had a very interesting story to tell. Stef may have understood him better than I did on several occasions, but only due to that Southern accent of his. Still and all, a great story, and a very nice gathering of Sponsor/Sponsoree. I got to hang with my new one before and shortl after Saturday's meeting.
I am officially hammed out. I made a brown sugar ham for the holiday and my neighbor smoked some ham and salmon. (Of which we received both.) I have to admit I liked the smoked ham a bit more, but then, I liked smoked meat... and that will roll into a conversation in a moment...
Tegan T. Dog... however... is NOT officially hammed out. She adored it all. Bless her fuzzy little heart.
So, I had a comment to make to keep this blog current... today (Monday) we had to deal with a SUPREMELY ABBREVIATED cast o' characters. There were only five of us for a good portion of the morning. One of the newbies checked in a bit later, and got grilled for it from Iggy's boss.
ANYHOOTS...
General conversation started off with how everyone's holiday weekend went, which was fine as we here had a lovely quiet weekend. The conversation took an odd turn when it shifted over to triggers. Now, in AA, we don't often speak about triggers, but in Recovery, it seems that's all that Iggy talks about.
People spending time with family/friends/etc.... were there triggers? Yes. Were there for me? No not so much, because to be honest, I've not been thinking about it. Parts of the conversation shifted over to grocery shopping and having to deal with walking by any booze aisles, and how we cope with it. "P" said he enjoys walking through them and reminiscing about what he bought and they sales on his favorite items... I went in a different direction and said that I treat it like a strip club... you can look but not touch... because if you do touch, you have to deal with the ramifications/consequences of that choice. Iggy like that comparison.
I'm hoping for a better turn-out tomorrow... as the excuses for today were very valid. We were missing quite a few people.
I also stand by my "look but don't touch" policy. It's been working well thus far!
OH! And as for the learning something new portion: I will never EVER look or smell vinegar the same way again as "M" (the current highest ranking heroin addict in Group mentioned... that's how you judge the best grade of heroin. Either in powder form or cooked form, it will always smell of vinegar if it is of the utmost quality... I had to pull him aside after our session toask if that was actually true, as that is not my addiction of choice... I never (THANKFULLY!!!) knew that... but it will make cleaning out sinks or making marinades a little odd from this point forward.)
Friday, March 25, 2016
WOW! I'M OFFICIALLY OLD!
I was doing some pretend gambling today on Facebook, and a friend posted a comment that really made me feel old.
It was THIRTY (THAT'S THREE ZERO PEOPLE!!!) years ago this past week that the final episode of M*A*S*H aired!!!
When we did our round robin intro session to the new players at group yesterday... I "jokingly" admitted to being fifty...it was only when I saw that Facebook post that it really hit home.
My goodness... 30 years!!! I loved that show and still love it. I suppose I really ought to get my carcass out to Toledo and try some of those hotdogs at "Packo's" as Klinger was always raving about!
It was THIRTY (THAT'S THREE ZERO PEOPLE!!!) years ago this past week that the final episode of M*A*S*H aired!!!
When we did our round robin intro session to the new players at group yesterday... I "jokingly" admitted to being fifty...it was only when I saw that Facebook post that it really hit home.
My goodness... 30 years!!! I loved that show and still love it. I suppose I really ought to get my carcass out to Toledo and try some of those hotdogs at "Packo's" as Klinger was always raving about!
Thursday, March 24, 2016
LIVE! FROM AURORA! IT'S THURSDAY NIGHT... Morning...Afternoon...whatever...
It was an interesting day at Inpatient. We lost three cast members and were introduced to the three new replacements. It's sort of like when the cast over on SNL changes between seasons. I've been promoted to the full-time cast. By virtue of my age, I am now one of the oldest people in the room.
All kidding aside, it was nice to see three people get to move on to their next phase of treatment. All of them were/are lovely people and made me feel welcome within the group when I first got there. I will do my best to make the three newbies feel the same way.
There really wasn't a topic for today, as Iggy was more concerned with those departing. You can tell he cares about each of us. He got a little misty...even though two members that were leaving gave him an enormous amount of jabs and general B.S. (ALL IN GOOD FUN!)
We did have a session, mind you. Iggy openly admitted he was stealing part of the lesson from a NAMI course he is also involved with. Stef will love hearing a bit about that later.
It more or less boiled down to not being locked into the internal thought process of our addictions. We are more than "that". Yes, we are flawed in our own ways... but it shouldn't be the main focus of our interactions with other people. Some of the group disagreed stating that meetings with other users/abusers helped them with their own problems. I mentally sided with those comments. But I also got where Iggy was coming from in the fact that there's more to all of us. We have thoughts/ideas/dreams/feelings/etc. that are far more important than harping on our substance abuse... if that makes any sense whatsoever.
A chocolate cake arrived from a restaurant Stef keeps telling me we have to go to for breakfast. So, we all had a piece of cake and wished our departing members well. Come Monday... it's a brand new show with a slightly different cast. This should be fun. :-)
And in keeping with the SNL analogy...
Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. ;-)
All kidding aside, it was nice to see three people get to move on to their next phase of treatment. All of them were/are lovely people and made me feel welcome within the group when I first got there. I will do my best to make the three newbies feel the same way.
There really wasn't a topic for today, as Iggy was more concerned with those departing. You can tell he cares about each of us. He got a little misty...even though two members that were leaving gave him an enormous amount of jabs and general B.S. (ALL IN GOOD FUN!)
We did have a session, mind you. Iggy openly admitted he was stealing part of the lesson from a NAMI course he is also involved with. Stef will love hearing a bit about that later.
It more or less boiled down to not being locked into the internal thought process of our addictions. We are more than "that". Yes, we are flawed in our own ways... but it shouldn't be the main focus of our interactions with other people. Some of the group disagreed stating that meetings with other users/abusers helped them with their own problems. I mentally sided with those comments. But I also got where Iggy was coming from in the fact that there's more to all of us. We have thoughts/ideas/dreams/feelings/etc. that are far more important than harping on our substance abuse... if that makes any sense whatsoever.
A chocolate cake arrived from a restaurant Stef keeps telling me we have to go to for breakfast. So, we all had a piece of cake and wished our departing members well. Come Monday... it's a brand new show with a slightly different cast. This should be fun. :-)
And in keeping with the SNL analogy...
Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. ;-)
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Possibility Blooms With Each New Day
Today's title comes from what is hand-painted calligraphy-style on the wall of the room I have my daily Inpatient sessions. I spend a lot of time looking at that while the others are talking. I like it. Possibility indicates a way out of this morass that my life became. (NOTE! Past tense!)
We as a group finished off the assignment from last week. We will be losing some of the court-assigned people in the next couple of days. I wish them all nothing but the best... but they have a much harder road to tread... (heroin and all that.) I wish them well!!!
I did take a slight bit of offense this morning when Iggy asked all of us how things were going since yesterday. When it came to my turn, I said that I was feeling particularly proud of myself for two weeks sober. Now initially, he said that was great and to continue what I am doing... BUT... out of the other side of his mouth, he also mentioned that we as addicts shouldn't misconstrue sobriety from simply being "dry". As I said, I took offense to that and will most probably unload on him during my personal meeting with him later this week.
WTF?!?
I get better feedback from my friends in AA. I didn't drink a drop. I have maintained a level of sobriety (for me!) that has been far beyond what I have experienced so far... and... it doesn't make a difference?! At least to Iggy apparently. "Recovery is more important than being dry"...said Iggy.
In AA, those two work hand in hand.
I will also mention that he didn't ride "C"s ass as much as mine, and he had a year going. Again... WTF?!?
It was a very good session. I will speak to Iggy about a matter or two. I just felt it odd, is all. You say one thing and then contradict yourself with a separate comment.
We as a group finished off the assignment from last week. We will be losing some of the court-assigned people in the next couple of days. I wish them all nothing but the best... but they have a much harder road to tread... (heroin and all that.) I wish them well!!!
I did take a slight bit of offense this morning when Iggy asked all of us how things were going since yesterday. When it came to my turn, I said that I was feeling particularly proud of myself for two weeks sober. Now initially, he said that was great and to continue what I am doing... BUT... out of the other side of his mouth, he also mentioned that we as addicts shouldn't misconstrue sobriety from simply being "dry". As I said, I took offense to that and will most probably unload on him during my personal meeting with him later this week.
WTF?!?
I get better feedback from my friends in AA. I didn't drink a drop. I have maintained a level of sobriety (for me!) that has been far beyond what I have experienced so far... and... it doesn't make a difference?! At least to Iggy apparently. "Recovery is more important than being dry"...said Iggy.
In AA, those two work hand in hand.
I will also mention that he didn't ride "C"s ass as much as mine, and he had a year going. Again... WTF?!?
It was a very good session. I will speak to Iggy about a matter or two. I just felt it odd, is all. You say one thing and then contradict yourself with a separate comment.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Regeneration v Cognitive Reconstruction
Forget Batman v Superman... today's Inpatient session was about Regeneration v Cognitive Reconstruction.
Now, the term 'regeneration' is a key ingredient to a number of storylines pertaining to my all time (no pun) favorite television series, and I am well familiar with that process. I've been through it numerous times in my life already.
"I" was telling the group that a vast majority of our bodies have it within itself to regenerate damaged internal organs over time. (In my case, the liver.) What can't regenerate is the damage I've done to my brain through these many years of alcohol abuse. The best we can hope for, according to "I", is cognitive reconstruction. I'm not digging typing "I", as it is making it hard to decipher what it is I'm ttrying to talk about... so let's just say "Iggy" from now on, in reference to my psychologist in charge of inpatient sessions.
We (the patients) can only try and work on our minds, habits, compulsions as best we can internally. I (meaning me) can remain sober for the rest of my life, but the mental damage has already been done. The thought of the act/process will always be there and I shouldn't drag myself over the coals fretting about it... I just can't act upon it. Apparently it's even worse for the several heroin addicts in my session... as Iggy spent a bit more time with them throughout the course of the day. It still doesn't take away from a very good meeting.
Sunday's open meeting was not without its own chuckle and eye-opening experience. The woman who spoke stated that she had wasted nearly half of her life either drinking or using, and was very grateful she was still around to be with those she loves. I am also guilty of wasting nearly half my life on the same thing. And for what?! What purpose?! What was I thinking?! What was the point of it all?!?
As the speaker "A" said at the end of her talk... "Who puts the breeze in the trees?" Indeed, "A". Indeed. ;-)
Saturday was a busy day. The early morning meeting had to deal with anger. The dude sitting next to me at the meeting brought it up as a topic. I guess he'd been at work earlier in the morning and a co-worker had pushed a few buttons... and he didn't want it to ruin his entire day. Well, too late for the rest of us, as what transpired was over an hour-plus of people bitching about their co-workers... (ALTHOUGH...)... my pal "W" did have the best story about anger management to share. As Stef described "W" to our Saturday dinner guests... "W" is a pimp cane shy of being the totally coolest/relaxed cat in the room. "W" is pretty fly and easy going, so to hear some dynamite expletives about his anger for a co-worker was hysterical for all involved.
Made a nice dinner on Saturday. It was well received and enjoyed. Can't say anything bad about that. I shared that with the group this morning when we did our weekend recap. Tomorrow should be fun as the rest of the group has to discuss their homework assignment. Myself and the tutoring heroin addict spoke first today.
Now, the term 'regeneration' is a key ingredient to a number of storylines pertaining to my all time (no pun) favorite television series, and I am well familiar with that process. I've been through it numerous times in my life already.
"I" was telling the group that a vast majority of our bodies have it within itself to regenerate damaged internal organs over time. (In my case, the liver.) What can't regenerate is the damage I've done to my brain through these many years of alcohol abuse. The best we can hope for, according to "I", is cognitive reconstruction. I'm not digging typing "I", as it is making it hard to decipher what it is I'm ttrying to talk about... so let's just say "Iggy" from now on, in reference to my psychologist in charge of inpatient sessions.
We (the patients) can only try and work on our minds, habits, compulsions as best we can internally. I (meaning me) can remain sober for the rest of my life, but the mental damage has already been done. The thought of the act/process will always be there and I shouldn't drag myself over the coals fretting about it... I just can't act upon it. Apparently it's even worse for the several heroin addicts in my session... as Iggy spent a bit more time with them throughout the course of the day. It still doesn't take away from a very good meeting.
Sunday's open meeting was not without its own chuckle and eye-opening experience. The woman who spoke stated that she had wasted nearly half of her life either drinking or using, and was very grateful she was still around to be with those she loves. I am also guilty of wasting nearly half my life on the same thing. And for what?! What purpose?! What was I thinking?! What was the point of it all?!?
As the speaker "A" said at the end of her talk... "Who puts the breeze in the trees?" Indeed, "A". Indeed. ;-)
Saturday was a busy day. The early morning meeting had to deal with anger. The dude sitting next to me at the meeting brought it up as a topic. I guess he'd been at work earlier in the morning and a co-worker had pushed a few buttons... and he didn't want it to ruin his entire day. Well, too late for the rest of us, as what transpired was over an hour-plus of people bitching about their co-workers... (ALTHOUGH...)... my pal "W" did have the best story about anger management to share. As Stef described "W" to our Saturday dinner guests... "W" is a pimp cane shy of being the totally coolest/relaxed cat in the room. "W" is pretty fly and easy going, so to hear some dynamite expletives about his anger for a co-worker was hysterical for all involved.
Made a nice dinner on Saturday. It was well received and enjoyed. Can't say anything bad about that. I shared that with the group this morning when we did our weekend recap. Tomorrow should be fun as the rest of the group has to discuss their homework assignment. Myself and the tutoring heroin addict spoke first today.
Update of the Weekend and Today to Follow Later
Busy weekend, what with meetings, company and shopping.
Second week of Inpatient Treatment starting in an hour or so... more on what's been going on a little later this afternoon.
Second week of Inpatient Treatment starting in an hour or so... more on what's been going on a little later this afternoon.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real
The title comes from one of the heroin addicts at my daily session. It's an acronym for SOBER. It obviously relates to the falsehood of our addicted lives and the reality of our sober lives.
Thursday's session was an odd one. We lost another member. He was there for the early portion of the morning, but was suddenly missing when the first five minute break was over. He was constantly talking over the other members and even talking over our counselor "I".
The general topic was a bit confusing, as none of us were exactly sure what "I" was fishing for. None of our responses seemed to appease him in any way. It was just odd.
Wednesday's session dealt with Internal and External Motivators. My internal motivators are the building blocks of my sober life, and my external motivators are my wife/friends/fellow AA members etc.. It is my job to properly balance the two.
I have homework for Monday's meeting and I am ready for that session. I have meetings tomorrow and Sunday. So, things are pretty booked. I'm also looking forward to having some folks over tomorrow for a nice St. Patrick's Day meal. Should be fun.
One day at a time, which is strangely enough, the topic of today's thought of the day:
"Yesterday is gone, forget it; tomorrow never comes, don't worry; today is here, get busy." All we have is the present. The past is gone forever and the future never comes. When tomorrow gets here, it will be today. Am I living one day at a time?"
Thursday's session was an odd one. We lost another member. He was there for the early portion of the morning, but was suddenly missing when the first five minute break was over. He was constantly talking over the other members and even talking over our counselor "I".
The general topic was a bit confusing, as none of us were exactly sure what "I" was fishing for. None of our responses seemed to appease him in any way. It was just odd.
Wednesday's session dealt with Internal and External Motivators. My internal motivators are the building blocks of my sober life, and my external motivators are my wife/friends/fellow AA members etc.. It is my job to properly balance the two.
I have homework for Monday's meeting and I am ready for that session. I have meetings tomorrow and Sunday. So, things are pretty booked. I'm also looking forward to having some folks over tomorrow for a nice St. Patrick's Day meal. Should be fun.
One day at a time, which is strangely enough, the topic of today's thought of the day:
"Yesterday is gone, forget it; tomorrow never comes, don't worry; today is here, get busy." All we have is the present. The past is gone forever and the future never comes. When tomorrow gets here, it will be today. Am I living one day at a time?"
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
One is Too Many. One Thousand Is Never Enough.
DAY TWO: Intense Outpatient Program.
The title of the post comes from someone in my Group earlier this morning. I really liked it and made it a point to jot it down.
Mornings start promptly with our Counselor "I" (his initial) going around the room and asking us how we're doing and how yesterday went. I was happy to say that today was my one week anniversary. (OK, it's like my third one total, but we also discussed how some of us keep track of time differs from person to person.) I've been making it a point to keep myself busy when I get home from my sessions, and that has been really helping. So has the tough love we give one another during the day.
There was a bit of a commotion when one of the Group admitted she went out yesterday and bought a pint of vodka. Why? Because she wanted to have a drink. She claims to have only taken a few sips and put the bottle away... but our Counselor was more than a little put out. He asked that they both meet after the day's session. She's quite possibly going to have start her program all over again... we shall see what happens tomorrow. (I am keeping this rather generic, as these sessions are quite a bit more stringent and putting in too many details is not part of their recovery program.
A majority of our discussion turned to "Conditioning" and "Prediction Error". "I" posited that "T" automatically went out to purchase that bottle due to her conditioning, rather than trying to determine several other options as opposed to drinking. It made a lot more sense in the meeting than it does as I am typing this. (Think Pavlov's Dog Conditioning, that's how "I" described it.
Another of my Group was four days clean from heroin. He's still going through withdrawals, and it's odd to see a scrawny young man sitting in a chair with his knees drawn up under his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs. The Group knew more about him, but as this was only my second say meeting him, I was more than a little shocked to find out that his normal job is being a tutor. (I'm not judging, mind you! Just odd to me.)
Yesterday, Monday, was my first day with the Group and the last hour and a half was dedicated to me, so I could introduce myself to the gang, tell them my story, and what I hoped to attain during my program/treatment. They were both kind and brutally honest in their responses, which I appreciated.
Looking forward to Wednesday.
Weekend Flashback: As I didn't blog, Saturday's meeting with Neighbor "J" was nice. Not quite that many people as usual, but at least it was a better topic. It was in regard to what everyone does with their down time at home and away from AA meetings. Everyone had their own little stories, but it all came to a halt when one gentlemen spoke up, stating that he was 3 days sober following nearly 18 years in the program. He had no reason for this massive relapse, but he was utterly distraught with his announcement. Thankfully he was in the same facility where I attend my sessions, so "I" was there to assist following the meeting. I also got a new sponsor, it was my neighbor's sponsor. That was nice,
Sunday's open meeting was sort of a mirror image of mine. It was a woman who was in the AA program, while her poor suffering husband was in the Al-Anon program for family members. Overall, an informative meeting. I sat next to my former sponsor "J", and we left things very amicable. He even said he was sorry about his availability and that I was always welcome to call him if I ever felt the need. That was very kind of him and I let him know that.
That's about it for now. :-)
I should be back in the swing of things going forward. :-)
The title of the post comes from someone in my Group earlier this morning. I really liked it and made it a point to jot it down.
Mornings start promptly with our Counselor "I" (his initial) going around the room and asking us how we're doing and how yesterday went. I was happy to say that today was my one week anniversary. (OK, it's like my third one total, but we also discussed how some of us keep track of time differs from person to person.) I've been making it a point to keep myself busy when I get home from my sessions, and that has been really helping. So has the tough love we give one another during the day.
There was a bit of a commotion when one of the Group admitted she went out yesterday and bought a pint of vodka. Why? Because she wanted to have a drink. She claims to have only taken a few sips and put the bottle away... but our Counselor was more than a little put out. He asked that they both meet after the day's session. She's quite possibly going to have start her program all over again... we shall see what happens tomorrow. (I am keeping this rather generic, as these sessions are quite a bit more stringent and putting in too many details is not part of their recovery program.
A majority of our discussion turned to "Conditioning" and "Prediction Error". "I" posited that "T" automatically went out to purchase that bottle due to her conditioning, rather than trying to determine several other options as opposed to drinking. It made a lot more sense in the meeting than it does as I am typing this. (Think Pavlov's Dog Conditioning, that's how "I" described it.
Another of my Group was four days clean from heroin. He's still going through withdrawals, and it's odd to see a scrawny young man sitting in a chair with his knees drawn up under his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs. The Group knew more about him, but as this was only my second say meeting him, I was more than a little shocked to find out that his normal job is being a tutor. (I'm not judging, mind you! Just odd to me.)
Yesterday, Monday, was my first day with the Group and the last hour and a half was dedicated to me, so I could introduce myself to the gang, tell them my story, and what I hoped to attain during my program/treatment. They were both kind and brutally honest in their responses, which I appreciated.
Looking forward to Wednesday.
Weekend Flashback: As I didn't blog, Saturday's meeting with Neighbor "J" was nice. Not quite that many people as usual, but at least it was a better topic. It was in regard to what everyone does with their down time at home and away from AA meetings. Everyone had their own little stories, but it all came to a halt when one gentlemen spoke up, stating that he was 3 days sober following nearly 18 years in the program. He had no reason for this massive relapse, but he was utterly distraught with his announcement. Thankfully he was in the same facility where I attend my sessions, so "I" was there to assist following the meeting. I also got a new sponsor, it was my neighbor's sponsor. That was nice,
Sunday's open meeting was sort of a mirror image of mine. It was a woman who was in the AA program, while her poor suffering husband was in the Al-Anon program for family members. Overall, an informative meeting. I sat next to my former sponsor "J", and we left things very amicable. He even said he was sorry about his availability and that I was always welcome to call him if I ever felt the need. That was very kind of him and I let him know that.
That's about it for now. :-)
I should be back in the swing of things going forward. :-)
Doing Outpatient Counseling - Owe The Blog a Post
Today is Day Two of Intense Outpatient Counseling. I owe this blog a more in-depth entry. I will post again later this afternoon.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Tacky - But Funny
This is somewhat tacky considering what I am currently going through... but I have to admit... I needed that laugh this morning. Just thought I'd share.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
March 8, 2016 - I Surrender
New meeting with a new group. These folks were a teent-tiny but out of my way, but as U have said, any meeting is a good meeting,
Stef and I went looking for this church this past weekend, and we were only off by about a block or two! Curse you phone MapQuest, or whatever it is called on her uber modern phone. LOL.
ANYHOOTS... a simply nice group of people. We didn't have to break up into individual groups, so that part was nice.
Today's topic was 'The Victory of Surrender"... I liked this topic.
If I am alone, there is nothing I can achieve on my own... BUT... with the support of my dearest wife and the friends I have made around the tables... there is NOTHING I CANNOT ACHIEVE!!! Man, that was a kick in the pants. And a good one, too.
I have a loving wife who is trying her hardest to support me. I have a helpful counselor, who is doing wonders for my self-esteem. And I have me. Someone fighting so very hard to make it all work.
Yes. I surrender. I surrender to all that stupid junk that came before this... but you know what... never again. I gained that from today's meeting.
One day at a time.
Stef and I went looking for this church this past weekend, and we were only off by about a block or two! Curse you phone MapQuest, or whatever it is called on her uber modern phone. LOL.
ANYHOOTS... a simply nice group of people. We didn't have to break up into individual groups, so that part was nice.
Today's topic was 'The Victory of Surrender"... I liked this topic.
If I am alone, there is nothing I can achieve on my own... BUT... with the support of my dearest wife and the friends I have made around the tables... there is NOTHING I CANNOT ACHIEVE!!! Man, that was a kick in the pants. And a good one, too.
I have a loving wife who is trying her hardest to support me. I have a helpful counselor, who is doing wonders for my self-esteem. And I have me. Someone fighting so very hard to make it all work.
Yes. I surrender. I surrender to all that stupid junk that came before this... but you know what... never again. I gained that from today's meeting.
One day at a time.
Monday, March 7, 2016
March 7, 2016 - Now THAT'S More Like It
Ah, what a difference a weekend makes!
I had a fantastic meeting earlier today. It was another session about our willingness to give up pride and self-will. I broke up into an exceptional group of folks who had the same (more or less) experiences as myself... and we got to talk through them.
I do think I've noticed that I am less full of myself these days and willing to accept my own faults.
What really sent this day into the good zone was the meeting with my counselor / therapist Janice. We had a lovely conversation today. Even she said that I looked better from last week. :-) I'm quite pleased by that bit of information. I feel better than last week.
We talked about my past week. (DUH!) My meetings. My potential upcoming gig. (Left another message on that one!) And, well, pretty much everything else that was on my mind obviously. She's pleased with the blog. She's pleased some of you are reading it. And, she thinks it's an honest/safe way of getting my thoughts out to the world without reverting to the booze. I agreed.
I voiced my displeasure with the past two meetings, but she did say that it will happen from time to time. There's nothing I can do about it. She also acknowledged the fact that our topic was so extremely open-ended... no wonder it turned into a "who-could-beat-whom-judgmental-spotting-contest."
That was but a brief moment of our time together. It was a good meeting. No, a really great meeting. The Boomtown Rats may have once sang, "I Don't Like Mondays." but I do. I like this new group I found and I adore my time with Janice on Mondays. I feel 100% better having attended.
To clip a small portion of today's reflection: "With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity."
I can smile and be serene today. Tomorrow... who can say... right, guys?! ;-)
Just kidding. One day at a time. Just happen to be having a really good day and wanted to gloat about it. (Counselor/Therapist's orders!!) So much for doctor / patient confidentiality, eh? LOL.
I had a fantastic meeting earlier today. It was another session about our willingness to give up pride and self-will. I broke up into an exceptional group of folks who had the same (more or less) experiences as myself... and we got to talk through them.
I do think I've noticed that I am less full of myself these days and willing to accept my own faults.
What really sent this day into the good zone was the meeting with my counselor / therapist Janice. We had a lovely conversation today. Even she said that I looked better from last week. :-) I'm quite pleased by that bit of information. I feel better than last week.
We talked about my past week. (DUH!) My meetings. My potential upcoming gig. (Left another message on that one!) And, well, pretty much everything else that was on my mind obviously. She's pleased with the blog. She's pleased some of you are reading it. And, she thinks it's an honest/safe way of getting my thoughts out to the world without reverting to the booze. I agreed.
I voiced my displeasure with the past two meetings, but she did say that it will happen from time to time. There's nothing I can do about it. She also acknowledged the fact that our topic was so extremely open-ended... no wonder it turned into a "who-could-beat-whom-judgmental-spotting-contest."
That was but a brief moment of our time together. It was a good meeting. No, a really great meeting. The Boomtown Rats may have once sang, "I Don't Like Mondays." but I do. I like this new group I found and I adore my time with Janice on Mondays. I feel 100% better having attended.
To clip a small portion of today's reflection: "With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity."
I can smile and be serene today. Tomorrow... who can say... right, guys?! ;-)
Just kidding. One day at a time. Just happen to be having a really good day and wanted to gloat about it. (Counselor/Therapist's orders!!) So much for doctor / patient confidentiality, eh? LOL.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Weekend - March 5 & 6 , 2016 - Judgement and an open meeting.
I think from this point forward, I am going to combine Saturday / Sunday meetings... I am on the cusp of a job, pending the Overlords... so weekends might become tentative.
Wow! What to say about Saturday's meeting without sounding like the EXACT topic they were discussing... standing in judgment of those in front of you. This topic took a while to gain traction, but it became a slapstick comedy of about 40+ men telling everyone else how they stand in judgment of everyone sitting in front of them.
Anything I can say about that meeting any further would just be me myself acting the same... meaning me standing in judgment of those people in front of me. What was the point?! I am in a sincerely positive frame of mind right now... and am trying...with all my being... to be good.
Did I stand in judgment of those guys? YES! But, time to let that sh!t go.
Today, Sunday, was an open meeting. My dearest wife attended with me. She got some insights into the whole Al-Anon side of things. That's pretty cool, but I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SELFISH!! (Still, pretty cool.)
This is probably the weakest blog post I've ever made here, as I'm not sure what to actually talk about. If I weigh in on the previous, I become victim of the main complaint. I can't blog about the Al-Anon side of thing as I am the cause of it all. I cannot speak about the latter, as I am not in that spot.
Looking forward to tomorrow's meeting with Janice... just so I can see how to shake off this entire past weekend of meetings. I swear, they weren't bad, they were just a little less than I was used to/expecting.
Didn't drink, though...so... I will take a win where I can. :)
Wow! What to say about Saturday's meeting without sounding like the EXACT topic they were discussing... standing in judgment of those in front of you. This topic took a while to gain traction, but it became a slapstick comedy of about 40+ men telling everyone else how they stand in judgment of everyone sitting in front of them.
Anything I can say about that meeting any further would just be me myself acting the same... meaning me standing in judgment of those people in front of me. What was the point?! I am in a sincerely positive frame of mind right now... and am trying...with all my being... to be good.
Did I stand in judgment of those guys? YES! But, time to let that sh!t go.
Today, Sunday, was an open meeting. My dearest wife attended with me. She got some insights into the whole Al-Anon side of things. That's pretty cool, but I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SELFISH!! (Still, pretty cool.)
This is probably the weakest blog post I've ever made here, as I'm not sure what to actually talk about. If I weigh in on the previous, I become victim of the main complaint. I can't blog about the Al-Anon side of thing as I am the cause of it all. I cannot speak about the latter, as I am not in that spot.
Looking forward to tomorrow's meeting with Janice... just so I can see how to shake off this entire past weekend of meetings. I swear, they weren't bad, they were just a little less than I was used to/expecting.
Didn't drink, though...so... I will take a win where I can. :)
Friday, March 4, 2016
March 4, 2016 - ADDENDUM - Laughter & Cooking Sober Again
Those of us going to meetings have heard dozens and dozens of stories where a member will ask the group, "I came in for the first few times, and I couldn't figure out what they were all laughing about. This isn't supposed to be fun."
I get the laughter now. I've been around so many different/diverse tables in the past 30+ days, getting to know new people and in return getting to be known by them, we can have actual conversations prior to and after meetings. There's also a little good-natured needling. To use a loose term from one of my favorite authors, Thomas Harris, I've been accepted by the herd. (In his use of the term/sentence, he meant it in a totally good way.) It all comes down to acceptance. I can laugh again.
COOKING SOBER
Anyone who knows me knows that I adore cooking. I like to think I do it well. I "marginally" follow recipes. I tweak and customize here and there, but the problem is... I don't write those tweaks down and cannot recreate a dish at a latter date. This drives me crazy.
I made one HELL of smoked rib/pork butt rub back in my drinking days that I utterly love. It's all dry ingredients. I am running out of it... and I have no earthly clue how to recreate it. I've tasted it with sober taste-buds and can't figure out WTF I used! It's driving me crazy... but I'm not going back to that frame of mind to try and recreate it.
There were mornings/days/nights during my "banner" times that I would totally screw up the simplest of meals. Why? I'd been drinking. It's not hard to make a freaking quesadilla or simple hash browns.. yet when I'd had too many (which was almost always)... I managed to. How I managed to successfully make two separate deep fried turkeys without causing massive harm to myself or burning down the house, I will never know.
Thankfully, things are much better now! It's been an utter delight to be in the kitchen again. I've been goofing around with some things, and it feels SO MUCH BETTER doing it with a clean head.
APPARENTLY at one of the newer meetings I went to I missed a chili cook-off! GASP! Are you kidding me? I make a DYNAMITE crock pot, stove pot of chili. So sad I missed that. In one of the cookbooks we received during my separation, there is a suggestion for replacing beer in a recipe with equal portions of apple juice and water. I haven't tried it yet on my own personal recipe, but am going to certainly give it a whirl!
If it works out, I may share "SOME" secrets... your chili recipes are you own. Hit me up on the comments or email side of things with your version. ;-)
I get the laughter now. I've been around so many different/diverse tables in the past 30+ days, getting to know new people and in return getting to be known by them, we can have actual conversations prior to and after meetings. There's also a little good-natured needling. To use a loose term from one of my favorite authors, Thomas Harris, I've been accepted by the herd. (In his use of the term/sentence, he meant it in a totally good way.) It all comes down to acceptance. I can laugh again.
COOKING SOBER
Anyone who knows me knows that I adore cooking. I like to think I do it well. I "marginally" follow recipes. I tweak and customize here and there, but the problem is... I don't write those tweaks down and cannot recreate a dish at a latter date. This drives me crazy.
I made one HELL of smoked rib/pork butt rub back in my drinking days that I utterly love. It's all dry ingredients. I am running out of it... and I have no earthly clue how to recreate it. I've tasted it with sober taste-buds and can't figure out WTF I used! It's driving me crazy... but I'm not going back to that frame of mind to try and recreate it.
There were mornings/days/nights during my "banner" times that I would totally screw up the simplest of meals. Why? I'd been drinking. It's not hard to make a freaking quesadilla or simple hash browns.. yet when I'd had too many (which was almost always)... I managed to. How I managed to successfully make two separate deep fried turkeys without causing massive harm to myself or burning down the house, I will never know.
Thankfully, things are much better now! It's been an utter delight to be in the kitchen again. I've been goofing around with some things, and it feels SO MUCH BETTER doing it with a clean head.
APPARENTLY at one of the newer meetings I went to I missed a chili cook-off! GASP! Are you kidding me? I make a DYNAMITE crock pot, stove pot of chili. So sad I missed that. In one of the cookbooks we received during my separation, there is a suggestion for replacing beer in a recipe with equal portions of apple juice and water. I haven't tried it yet on my own personal recipe, but am going to certainly give it a whirl!
If it works out, I may share "SOME" secrets... your chili recipes are you own. Hit me up on the comments or email side of things with your version. ;-)
March 4, 2016 - 50th Post - Growth and Continuous Effort
Hey gang! I have to say the St. David's group is rapidly becoming my favorite group (if I haven't already blathered on and on about them) as they are a very nice diverse cross section of ages and days/weeks/months/years of sobriety.
Today's topic was a willingness to change for the better and to continue to attain growth. If I remember today's reading correctly, continuous growth requires continuous effort. (Something like that.) I spoke about it in the subgroup I got assigned to.
I've got the willingness to change bit down pat by now. Each and every day I am working on the continuous effort portion. It's quite a bit better than my first round of this program. I am going to associate that with the new folks I am seeing regularly. Our meeting was a little shorter than usual today as everyone had their say.
According to Blogger, this is officially my 50th post. Once again, thanks to those that I can see accessing the blog and sending emails. We're in this together. You've become part of my higher power, whether you like it or not.
Side-note: I have one of those paw print magnetic decals over my gas tank. I came out of the meeting earlier today and thought that someone had stolen it. No, moron. A virtually identical make/model/color Ford Fusion parked next to Fury One. That's what I call the Fusion. (A Doctor Who reference virtually no one will get.) I was about to freak when I got closer and just had to laugh.
Speaking of laughing, I do believe I promised you an entry on that topic. Let me post #50, walk the dog and see if I can crank out an addendum before the wife gets home and we have to go do taxes.... boooo!
One day at a time, my friends!
Today's topic was a willingness to change for the better and to continue to attain growth. If I remember today's reading correctly, continuous growth requires continuous effort. (Something like that.) I spoke about it in the subgroup I got assigned to.
I've got the willingness to change bit down pat by now. Each and every day I am working on the continuous effort portion. It's quite a bit better than my first round of this program. I am going to associate that with the new folks I am seeing regularly. Our meeting was a little shorter than usual today as everyone had their say.
According to Blogger, this is officially my 50th post. Once again, thanks to those that I can see accessing the blog and sending emails. We're in this together. You've become part of my higher power, whether you like it or not.
Side-note: I have one of those paw print magnetic decals over my gas tank. I came out of the meeting earlier today and thought that someone had stolen it. No, moron. A virtually identical make/model/color Ford Fusion parked next to Fury One. That's what I call the Fusion. (A Doctor Who reference virtually no one will get.) I was about to freak when I got closer and just had to laugh.
Speaking of laughing, I do believe I promised you an entry on that topic. Let me post #50, walk the dog and see if I can crank out an addendum before the wife gets home and we have to go do taxes.... boooo!
One day at a time, my friends!
Thursday, March 3, 2016
March 3, 2016 - Overcoming Self Will and Sister Sledge
We didn't get as much snow as predicted here in Chicagoland, so that was nice. Pretty easy to drive into the Fellowship Meeting. This one is a little different for me as it generally consists of people older than me, with far different backstories to tell, yet as in the spirit of the Program/Brotherhood, no one minds pasty little me. We share laughs. (Mental note to share a bit about the laughter in a separate post. Maybe later/maybe tomorrow.) It's sweet.
I know some of the faces and some of the names, so that's always nice. I see of those same faces usually at Sunday meetings.
ANYHOOTS... overcoming self-will and selfishness was the major topic. We didn't have to split up into groups. The general take-away I got from today's meeting was trying to let go of the sheer guilt associated with both of those topics. It's oddly coinciding with what my therapist/counselor Janice has been saying. I already mentioned she wants me to think of me more often... that's hard. But by doing that, doesn't that still make me self-willed and selfish? She'll say no. "You've got take care of yourself."
But my main take-away from today was pride. If I may quote from today's reflection:
"Today I have been given the gift, through the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, of practicing the Steps and Traditions in my daily life, of my group and sponsor, and the capacity— if I so choose—to put my pride aside in all situations which arise in my life. Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety." (The underlined bit was my editorial commentary.)
Touche.
This very lovely African American woman named "J"... said we were all a family. 'Granted' (my word, not her's) not a perfect family, but whose is, but a family nonetheless. We all found time to come out to meet, to share and to deal with it. We're all brothers and sisters working toward one common goal. (THOSE were her words.)
I DID say... hey wait a second... isn't that Sister Sledge?! My only response was a beautiful and hysterical smile. :-) "Ya' got me."
And, if We Are A Family isn't an ear worm in your head right now... then I am not the writer/former evil radio DJ I thought I once was.
Good meeting.
I know some of the faces and some of the names, so that's always nice. I see of those same faces usually at Sunday meetings.
ANYHOOTS... overcoming self-will and selfishness was the major topic. We didn't have to split up into groups. The general take-away I got from today's meeting was trying to let go of the sheer guilt associated with both of those topics. It's oddly coinciding with what my therapist/counselor Janice has been saying. I already mentioned she wants me to think of me more often... that's hard. But by doing that, doesn't that still make me self-willed and selfish? She'll say no. "You've got take care of yourself."
But my main take-away from today was pride. If I may quote from today's reflection:
"Today I have been given the gift, through the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, of practicing the Steps and Traditions in my daily life, of my group and sponsor, and the capacity— if I so choose—to put my pride aside in all situations which arise in my life. Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety." (The underlined bit was my editorial commentary.)
Touche.
This very lovely African American woman named "J"... said we were all a family. 'Granted' (my word, not her's) not a perfect family, but whose is, but a family nonetheless. We all found time to come out to meet, to share and to deal with it. We're all brothers and sisters working toward one common goal. (THOSE were her words.)
I DID say... hey wait a second... isn't that Sister Sledge?! My only response was a beautiful and hysterical smile. :-) "Ya' got me."
And, if We Are A Family isn't an ear worm in your head right now... then I am not the writer/former evil radio DJ I thought I once was.
Good meeting.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Wednesday - March 2, 2016 - Hope and Acceptance
Big meeting. Huge meeting. Lots of people, but as it was in a church, they had plenty of rooms for us once we split up into individual groups.
Before we broke off into groups they did the usual readings. When topic time came around no one really said anything, so it was initially going to be about the daily reflection, until a new person to this group suggested acceptance, so we had two we could discuss once we counted off and went with our groups.
I was in the 4th group and was pleased to see my new friend Ruth was there. Such a sweet lady.
The Reflection for today was Hope. Here's the actual reading:
"Few experiences are of less value to me than fast sobriety. Too many times discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend. Discouragement is a warning signal that I may have wandered across the God line. The secret of fulfilling my potential is in acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a threat.
Hope is the key that unlocks the door of discouragement. The program promises me that if I do not pick up the first drink today, I will always have hope. Having come to believe that I keep what I share, every time I encourage, I receive courage. It is with others that, with the grace of God and the Fellowship of A.A., I trudge the road of happy destiny. May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road."
I really related to discouragement, unrealistic expectations, self-pity and fatigue.... not to mention thinking I could accomplish this thing fast. It can never be fast. So, I wasn't really surprised when a few of the others my group said they felt the same thing.
I need to take it slow. I need to embrace not picking up that first drink, as it only ever caused me and those that I love pain. I'd rather live with hope.
The acceptance bit was merely our acknowledging the fact that we were all alcoholics around that table, and that it's not necessary to be one of those people who can quote the Big Book by pages, verses and messages. One of the guys said that and we all sort of chuckled. So, it boils down to not picking up that first drink. With that we/I will find hope. I'm trying my best on the discouragement, unrealistic expectations and self-pity.
Every morning, I shut off the television when Stef leaves. Wait a few moments in the quietness of the house and I do my morning prayer and mediation. Then I get ready for the closest/best meeting for me. I do an evening prayer and a final meditation as well after I've done some reading. Currently reading "We All Fall Down" by Nic Sheff. His is a companion piece to his father David's books.
Nic's book is more about him being a meth and heroin addict, but his descriptions of being an addict really mirror those of alcoholics. Good read so far.
An older woman at today's meeting described what we go through as an allergy. She stated some people have nut allergies. Eat a nut, you could die. (Stef has a starberry allergy and got supremely sick. DAMN YOU FRUIT LOOPS FOR NOT MENTIONING THEM ON YOUR LABEL!)
With us, it was agreed we had an allergy to alcohol. If this sh!t is going to kill us, we do what normal people with allergies do... avoid the allergen! I liked that one.
I got wordy today, but then I missed a meeting yesterday... good thing too... I nearly broke my skull yesterday walking the dog and again today getting into the car at home, and at the church parking lot.
Anway. Thanks for reading, as always. One day at a time!
I'm feeling hopeful, or at least starting to. ;-)
Before we broke off into groups they did the usual readings. When topic time came around no one really said anything, so it was initially going to be about the daily reflection, until a new person to this group suggested acceptance, so we had two we could discuss once we counted off and went with our groups.
I was in the 4th group and was pleased to see my new friend Ruth was there. Such a sweet lady.
The Reflection for today was Hope. Here's the actual reading:
HOPE
Do not be discouraged.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 60
"Few experiences are of less value to me than fast sobriety. Too many times discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend. Discouragement is a warning signal that I may have wandered across the God line. The secret of fulfilling my potential is in acknowledging my limitations and believing that time is a gift, not a threat.
Hope is the key that unlocks the door of discouragement. The program promises me that if I do not pick up the first drink today, I will always have hope. Having come to believe that I keep what I share, every time I encourage, I receive courage. It is with others that, with the grace of God and the Fellowship of A.A., I trudge the road of happy destiny. May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road."
I really related to discouragement, unrealistic expectations, self-pity and fatigue.... not to mention thinking I could accomplish this thing fast. It can never be fast. So, I wasn't really surprised when a few of the others my group said they felt the same thing.
I need to take it slow. I need to embrace not picking up that first drink, as it only ever caused me and those that I love pain. I'd rather live with hope.
The acceptance bit was merely our acknowledging the fact that we were all alcoholics around that table, and that it's not necessary to be one of those people who can quote the Big Book by pages, verses and messages. One of the guys said that and we all sort of chuckled. So, it boils down to not picking up that first drink. With that we/I will find hope. I'm trying my best on the discouragement, unrealistic expectations and self-pity.
Every morning, I shut off the television when Stef leaves. Wait a few moments in the quietness of the house and I do my morning prayer and mediation. Then I get ready for the closest/best meeting for me. I do an evening prayer and a final meditation as well after I've done some reading. Currently reading "We All Fall Down" by Nic Sheff. His is a companion piece to his father David's books.
Nic's book is more about him being a meth and heroin addict, but his descriptions of being an addict really mirror those of alcoholics. Good read so far.
An older woman at today's meeting described what we go through as an allergy. She stated some people have nut allergies. Eat a nut, you could die. (Stef has a starberry allergy and got supremely sick. DAMN YOU FRUIT LOOPS FOR NOT MENTIONING THEM ON YOUR LABEL!)
With us, it was agreed we had an allergy to alcohol. If this sh!t is going to kill us, we do what normal people with allergies do... avoid the allergen! I liked that one.
I got wordy today, but then I missed a meeting yesterday... good thing too... I nearly broke my skull yesterday walking the dog and again today getting into the car at home, and at the church parking lot.
Anway. Thanks for reading, as always. One day at a time!
I'm feeling hopeful, or at least starting to. ;-)
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
March 1, 2016 - Jimmy Bueller's Day Off
I'm taking Janice's advise today and beginning to do some little things for myself. I didn't intend on avoiding a meeting today, but the weather is for sh!t today. I was going to pull in the trash/recycle bins, but the driveway is a complete sheet of (formerly) black ice. It's now mostly covered in snow... but the ice waits beneath!
I just took the Eskie out and it's a slippery mess out there. If I am not mistaken I saw a red and black bus just pull up to our neighborhood... and can clearly see Johnathon Towes and Patrick Kane in our driveway doing warm-ups as I type... yes, it's that slick out there.
ANYHOOTS... I thought I would do something fun, so I made a cream of broccoli soup using only items we already had in the house. I'm steaming a head of broccoli later tonight for dinner, and as they come in pairs from where we buy them... I used the one that was on its last stalk so to speak. I'm also clearing out a few pantry items. Double bonus!
That was fun. Just doing something totally simplistic for a recipe and hemming/hawing over what to add. I chose the lesser avenue and stopped fussing over it. I think it turned out pretty well. Granted, I haven't added the milk portion yet (as we don't have cream or half-and-half in the house)... but from what I tasted so far... not too shabby.
I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that I just wanted to take a day off. I've been doing so many things lately. It was just really fun to come back in after walking the dog to smelling a kitchen that sort of reminded me of my days in France.
All of that out of a simple soup. Go figure.
Back to the normal meeting tomorrow. For now... I've got some parmesan chicken, steamed broccoli and probably a potato or two to get ready for later.
If this soup does turn out, I will post the recipe. Back in the old Blogger days I had one where I would share recipes and photos. Let me try and figure out how to do that again! :-)
I just took the Eskie out and it's a slippery mess out there. If I am not mistaken I saw a red and black bus just pull up to our neighborhood... and can clearly see Johnathon Towes and Patrick Kane in our driveway doing warm-ups as I type... yes, it's that slick out there.
ANYHOOTS... I thought I would do something fun, so I made a cream of broccoli soup using only items we already had in the house. I'm steaming a head of broccoli later tonight for dinner, and as they come in pairs from where we buy them... I used the one that was on its last stalk so to speak. I'm also clearing out a few pantry items. Double bonus!
That was fun. Just doing something totally simplistic for a recipe and hemming/hawing over what to add. I chose the lesser avenue and stopped fussing over it. I think it turned out pretty well. Granted, I haven't added the milk portion yet (as we don't have cream or half-and-half in the house)... but from what I tasted so far... not too shabby.
I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that I just wanted to take a day off. I've been doing so many things lately. It was just really fun to come back in after walking the dog to smelling a kitchen that sort of reminded me of my days in France.
All of that out of a simple soup. Go figure.
Back to the normal meeting tomorrow. For now... I've got some parmesan chicken, steamed broccoli and probably a potato or two to get ready for later.
If this soup does turn out, I will post the recipe. Back in the old Blogger days I had one where I would share recipes and photos. Let me try and figure out how to do that again! :-)
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