February 29, 2016 - Suck it up, Buttercup

I have a meeting with my therapist at noon... but I just got out of a meeting that I wanted to quickly blog about, as I didn't want to forget anything (and act as a bookmark for later)... and I also had a moment to walk the pooch.


The original title was going to be today's topic of honesty.  Ironic.  The original title was going to be, "Be Honest.  Stay Honest.  Isolation."


I'm breaking a rule by using someone's real name, but I want to go on record as stating I TOTALLY ADORE Ruth, who came up with today's blog title.  Man, I love this St. David's group!






There is more to share about the topic today, as well as commenting on a fellow member's obscure Ramones reference that only I got!  If that's not my higher speaking to me on several different levels... I don't know what is!


MORE TO FOLLOW IN A COUPLE OF HOURS...  be back shortly.




And we're back!  Over an hour to drive back home... but that's not what I'm blogging about.  This new version of Blogger should have a multiple main title headlines, because today's second title would be... "We Need to Talk."




Now, if you ever hear those words from your boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives... you KNOW that what follows is not something you want to hear.  Now, try hearing that from your therapist.




I always arrive at least ten to fifteen minutes early.  Today more so than most as I had to drive a further distance.  I get to my session and she barely had her previous patient out of the room before I got the whole "come here" figure gesture and words, "We need to talk."




I've said multiple times that I know apart from some really lovely people, my therapist also reads this blog,  Her first words out of her mouth were: 

1. WTF?  (I paraphrase there... but that was the intonation.)
2. I knew I should've phoned.
3. What's going on?

OK, look guys and gals, I'm not proud of it, but I did have some drinks this past week.  Janice and I discussed throughout most of my session, my anger issues and that's a conversation I've been ordered to have with my wife later this evening.




Really, really long story short... I can only deal with my anger issues if I can somehow learn to care for myself.  Yes, yes ... it's all fine and dandy I go to meetings... but I'm looking far too deeply into the Steps and what I can do about them.  But, I am ultimately supposed to be doing what's best for me.




I told her that I don't play that game.  My job is to take care of everyone else around me.  Apparently, that's the wrong direction I am taking.  We both discussed this at length, but I said that it's hard for me to do.  Said she, it's all well and good to concern myself with other people's feelings...but I need to do more for me... which goes far and away from what AA teaches. 




I vented about having someone I consider a substandard sponsor and was told those feelings are good.  I need to find someone that is better suited for my needs.  I'm supposed to let it go... but, said I, how do I do so without hurting someone else's feelings?!?  I was informed that I cannot and that you need to take care of yourself.




Bottom line, I'm dealing with some people that are trying to do their own best... but are having their own issues in tandem with mine. 




I'm sort of repeating myself and I apologize.




Great session.  Fantastic AA meeting.  My next session is back on a weekly basis.




AA MORNING MEETING ADDITIONAL:


I find it totally odd, yet completely appropriate that today's topic was honesty and isolation.  I heard from several other members that they too had lied to their significant others.  And while it will never take away the hurt I have caused, we all did it.  By the grace of God, or your significant other, or the Great Pumpkin, someone out there still cares for you.  We all commented on our honesty, or lack thereof.


OH!  The Ramones comment... again, as if it weren't my higher power speaking to me...


A very respectable gentleman, wearing an extremely nice suit and tie, either on his way in/or into work said, in regards to AA fellowship:  "None of you will know this... but Gabba gabba hey.  We accept you.  One of us."


I nearly did a complete spit take on that one!  I shared that with Janice, too.  She didn't know the lyric, but admitted it was a 'teaching' point.


Ruth... bless your heart!  Both for what is probably the BEST statement of 2016, but also for your enduring love for your still suffering husband (with the 'OFFICIAL' name Jimmy, BTW)... and I was utterly pleased to hold your hand at the end of today's meeting! 


Thank you, once again, Janice for a superb session today!  I will work on taking care of me starting today.  If I am so supremely fortunate, I am hopeful Stef can help me find out who that 'me' is.


MEGA SNUGGLIES AND SNOUT OUTS GUYS!  God knows I could use both right about now.

Sunday - February 28, 2016 - Leap Weekend Posting

Sorry for the delay... yet once again this strange new version of Blogger is giving me issues!


Saturday was a very nice meeting.  My neighbor drove.  We hit the ethnic market on the way there so he could get his wife's fruit fix.  We went to a very raucous predominantly male meeting.  Neighbor "J" asked if I wanted to switch teams with his sponsor... I opted to give my current Sponsor another go.  (You can't judge someone on a single week!)


Saturday... doing things for other people was the topic... it's strangely been appropriate this week... let go of yourself and be nice/helpful to others.  I am, and I mean this in all possible sincerity... I'm SERIOUSLY thinking about other people!!! 


Sunday's meeting.   Our dearest, most darling American Eskimo needed to go to a pre-determined vet visit.  I offered numerous times this morning to not attend my meeting and help the only two things that matter in my life... my wife and my fur child... Stef thought otherwise.


While I would love to say it was the single most greatest meeting, it wasn't.  Yes, let's allow someone who is shy and not comfortable speaking in front of a crowd...well... speak.  Wow!  That was rough. 


For those of you lovely people that visit here may or may not know... I have a degree in Communications.  I have been (in a few previous lives) on the air.  I'm comfortable with speaking in front of a crowd.  I caught someone in another frame of mind.  Verbs would've been helpful.  '


I got to speak at length my sponsor.  As we were speaking, another sponsoree of his approached and said, "I'll call you at 8:30 tonight."  My sponsor told me afterwards to call him at 8:45. 


Said I... "You're standing right in front of me.  Let's just talk now.  He seems like he needs more assistance than I do today."  (More or less quoted as I said it.)


My sponsor smiled at me and said... "You are doing well, aren't you?"


Hope so!


Walkers or Oscars tonight?!?!  Hmmmm... we know it's going to be Walkers... as something HUGE has got to be impending going up against the Oscars tonight!  ;-)














 

Friday - February 26, 2016 - Just a little Fonzie.

Without (hopefully) jinxing today... I had a really good day.  I attended a Step Meeting... and the whole week just sort of smooshed together.  My dearest wife reminded me that I actually completed a Step by participating in that last one I blogged about.


I helped another suffering alcoholic in need.  Do you know... that thought was furthest from my mind until Stef reminded me of that fact.  (That's why I am supremely lucky to have her in my life... and I'm not sucking up... I'm stating clear fact.)


What was today's meeting?  Oh, I don't know... only Step 12.  LOL!


"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs."


Yeah... how very subtle of you universe.  But still cool in my heart and thinking.


Meeting aside, I FINALLY got a library card locally and found a couple of books some of you blog readers recommended.  I look forward to those later this evening! 


I was reminded of an episode of 'Happy Days' where Fonzie got a library card and his world opened up to him.  The actor, Henry Winkler, says that is his crowning achievement on the sitcom he starred in.  (Personally, I think it's producing/financing my 2nd all time favorite film 'The Sure Thing'... but what do I know?)  I find the fact that library card applications back in the late 70's exploded something like 300% even more uplifting after the airing of that episode.


STILL AND ALL... a bunch of the other recommended books were out.... I will catch them the next time around.  Let me get through the few I have at the moment. 


HUGE snuggly hugglies to you all for reading...    I know for a fact that my wife isn't scoring me nearly 250+ views a day... so I am doing something right.  I'm trying guys.  It's all I can do.  I am humbled and owe a number of you some email responses!!!  Happy Friday!


Oh... and by the way... (unintentional rhyme looming...)


Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  ;)




We're all Fonzies... and what's Fonzie?  As Honey Bunny said in Pulp Fiction... he's cool.


CORRECTOMUNDO!

Thursday - February 25, 2016 - Doing What I Do.

I attended a meeting earlier today... and as some weird trick of  the universe would have it, I was the final component of men to create a 1st Step Group for a new/first time attendee.  (You need at least three of us to comment... especially for someone participating in their very first ever AA meeting.)


Oh my stars... I SINCERELY HOPE we didn't scare him away.  Like the other guys there, I did the Cliffnotes(tm) version of my story.  You then hear the other person's tale... and hope beyond hope they will come back.  I personally found it odd telling someone slightly older than myself how to cope with their drinking.  Tear it down to its core and it's the same story... but it was his story...  and I am in no position to judge /comment.


I have about an hour before I need to call my sponsor.  We'll see where that goes.


OH!!!  "L" in West Virginia...  please read your email!!!  I meant what I said (and as you will read)... Yes... if you are extremely fortunate enough... she will find forgiveness in her heart.  One day at a time amigo!  Yeah, I thought that was B.S. too... until it started working for me.  Patience in the interim... if I can figure out that whole Youtube thingie... I'm going  to have one funky channel... part AA/part cooking... LOL.


Doing what I do?  Helping other people. That's what I do.  I can only hope I do it well.


P.S.  Still cooking... but so very close to a final dish.  ;-)

Wednesday - February 24, 2016 - Skin Is In

I MISS OLD BLOGGER!!!!  I have to try and recreate an entire post because I paused and went to the bathroom... only to lose everything I typed.


So here goes... TAKE TWO! 


I had a good meeting earlier today.  The weather wasn't the greatest... but it was still a good meeting.  It was mostly an elderly group, but one woman came up with the topic of "Are you comfortable in your own skin?"


GOOD TOPIC!


Closed meetings are precisely that... closed.  So, I won't / can't go into specifics of what the others had to say... all I can comment on is what I said...  which was...


Am I comfortable?  Not yet.  I am a work in progress.  I shared that with Stef tonight.  I am only as good as I was when I woke up this morning... and given that I haven't had a drink... that's a better Jim that previously existing.  Again, a work in progress.  (As Matt Smith said in his very first outing as my favorite TV character... "Early days.  I'm still cooking.")  Yeah, I am... but I'm kinda/sorta liking this new direction/recipe is leaning towards.


Spoke with my sponsor earlier, and as if trying to come up with a first ten things to be grateful for wasn't hard enough... I have to come up with an additional ten!  I asked Tegan if she could be reasons 1 through 8 for the new list, but all she wanted was a cookie (which she got)... but it's hard.  I'm not good at thinking about me.  That's not my gig/job/whatever.  What else is there?  I made the initial list and went a step further by explaining each and every bit of gratefulness... what else is there? 


I have an issue that I am not sure how to address.  I do not like being talked over.  (I grant complete and total amnesty to my wife and my therapist in that realm!)  But, I do not like being talked over during normal conversation... I am getting that from my sponsor.  IT'S A LITTLE THING, I KNOW!!!  But here's an idea... don't ask me a <censored> question and then not even let me <censored> respond.  Again, again, again... little things.  They're all the same little things that keep making me angry... which I am working on.  I will stop ranting.


So...


Work in progress. (CHECK.)
Still cooking.  (CHECK)
Still <censored> sober!  BONUS POINTS!  (SUPER CHECK!)  :)

Februrary 23, 2016 - You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

To quote the late (VERY!!!) great Bill Bixby from the Incredible Hulk:


"Don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry."  (OR... if you're a movie fan... "Don't make me hungry...")  yeah I made the same face too...


So my sponsor called me this evening and (AS I TOOK IT...) wanted to know if I had been drinking or if I were considering drinking...


No on number one.  Yes on number two. 


I didn't on numero uno, which in and of itself is a huge thing for me at any rate.  I certainly wanted to on numero dos... but I wisely chose not to.  This time around is a lot like the time I quit smoking... I just chose not to do it.


What I actually wanted was a burrito as big as my head... but I didn't have the funds... so... I opted for another meeting.


I caught some slight shit earlier for not having soup ready this evening, but then, I hadn't been to the Batavia AA church before.  I had no idea what to expect traffic-wise.. now I know.  Clearly won't happen again. 


One moment... I'm catching further shit in the kitchen... apparently I didn't do the last two <censored> dishes well enough... and how dare I have a freaking egg earlier today... yes, yes... it's all very little shit, I know... I'm supposed to just let it go.  Fair enough.  That's easily rectified by ... oh, I don't know... by never eating again.  Did it for a month... why should the rest of my life be any different?  (I would miss the aforementioned burritos, though.)


Anger issues abound.  Two <censored> meetings today and nothing to show for it to be honest.  A half-assed call from my sponsor, and I'm still nearly a week away from my next appointment with Janice... we will discuss this anger issue... but this whole sponsorship wasn't (at the moment) what I thought it would be.   


You guys and gals that comment behind the scenes... am I just wrong in letting (AS I SEE IT/PERCEIVE IT!!)... my sponsor run roughshod over my feelings?   Do my feelings even matter?   Why am I so angry all of a sudden?  Why am I being called on the carpet for it?!?  Does what I even think about it even <censored> matter?


No ideas here.  Any tips?

February 22, 2016 - One Day At A Tine... I GOT THIS!

Sorry for an unnecessary delay...


I had a FANTASTIC very early morning meeting today!  I may/may have not been the catalyst for the topic, which was one day at time.


I can relate to one day at a time, as I just did it.. for nearly a month... but I am not harping on an old subject.


One day at a time.... that's what I do right now... and will continue to do...


I am MORE THAN CHEESED that my new sponsor was unavailable via phone this evening.(despite his personal request to call).. and you exist only because I am apparently uber-sensitive...


STILL... is this new the new paradigm???  If so... I KNEW I should have looked elsewhere. {INSERT RANT HERE!!!!}


There aren't enough world's smallest violins playing for me.

Sunday - February 21, 2016 - One Month! Open Meeting and a Sponsor!

Today marked one month of sobriety and while I commented yesterday that I would mention that fact at today's meeting, I opted out.  No real reason, I guess.  I have other things to occupy my mind and a little anniversary number like that, while impressive for me, can wait till it's clocked up a few more digits.


Stef went with me, which is always appreciated.  She's allowed into those meeting as family members are encouraged to attend.  The guest speaker did a fantastic job, but then he's apparently a minister, so he was used to speaking in front of a large group.  It showed.  Two particular stories within the many he told I liked.


1.  Earlier this morning I made what's becoming one of my signature dishes.  Peasant Pasta.  (Chicken, Sausage, Pancetta, garlic, cannellini beans and escarole.  I took some over to my neighbor's house as a showing of thanks for taking me to his "home' meeting yesterday.  I told 'J' that I enjoy Open Meetings as it's interesting to hear other people's stories.  I said to 'J' that while I often feel down with my past behavior... at least I never ever rolled a car during my drinking.


2.  The other story I could definitely relate with!  The pastor mentioned that he was visiting his mother in Florida when he opened up about his alcoholism and was meant with the response... I'm paraphrasing here... "That's nice, dear.  Do you want a daiquiri?"  LOL.  I relate to that bit as I spent my first day in exile/separation with my own mother and she asked me if I wanted a glass of wine."  LOL.


BIG NEWS!  I spoke with someone at the meeting this morning, a gentleman I've seen at several other closed meetings as well as usually sitting next to him on Sundays.  As he's previously spoken at the open meeting, I know he has had time in the program and has sponsored others.  I asked if he were accepting new people and he said yes.  He said to call him at 8:30PM this evening, which I did a little over an hour ago.


I have my first assignment.  I have to do my prayers and have my quiet time... then I am to write 10 or more things that I am grateful for in my life.  He said that's what his sponsor started him off with and that's what he'd like me to start working on... Gratitude.  So I will come up with a list and call him again tomorrow to discuss what I came up with.


My blog post tomorrow will probably be around the same time as this evening... FYI... as I will be attending a meeting tomorrow... possibly two if I can swing it... and then I have some phone calls to make personally.  So, for tomorrow's post, it will be later.  I get the impression I do not have to called "Sponsor J" daily, but if that changes, I will make sure an alert is posted as well.


Overall, a very good day.  I got to attend a better than average meeting.  I got to cook in my own kitchen, dirty my own pans, and do what I like to do best... cook for my wife and other people.  I also scored a sponsor!


Yay me!  :-)   

Saturday - February 20, 2016 - Laughter... and Why So Serious?

Today was my first full day back home.  I can't tell you what a relief and sheer joy it was to come home.  The pooch went bananas, which while I didn't entirely enough... I was glad to see her.  I promised her and her mom that I wouldn't do that to them ever again.




Today, Saturday, was my first meeting back out here in Aurora.  This time I got to go with my neighbor, whom I didn't know was in the program.  From what I could gather, it's the only meeting he attends during the week.  I will definitely be going back... I just wasn't prepared for the sheer size of attendees... many of whom I knew from my personal home group.  I caught what I perceived as the "stink eye" from a couple of them... and was approached by one of the elderly gentlemen that was chairing meetings before my exile.




Stef called me on the fib I told him... when I promised I wouldn't lie to them or anyone else... I guess I just wasn't ready to see so many familiar faces.  I didn't think you could fit that many people into a single room like that!  There had to be 40 people in the room.  My neighbor introduced me to his sponsor, whom I found to be a very lovely man.  As I only just that moment had met him... I wasn't about to throw myself at him asking if he had room for another person in his paddock.  I intend to go back to that meeting... as I can use one on Saturdays.  I've been spoiled (if you can use that word) these past thirty days or so.




Before I wander too off-topic... the general discussion was about laughter and not being so overly serious about your own personal problems.  I tried locating the inspirational thought for the day, but can't quite seem to find it... maybe as it involves sponsors being mentioned, it might be in a book I do not know about, or have access to.  Stef and I are supposed to go to the local library tomorrow after my Sunday meeting... I hope to find some other books that I can't currently afford.




ANYWAY... you gotta laugh... this is true.  When I was drinking I was always laughing... but I related to several people commenting this morning about how that was shallow laughter... and not GENUINE laughter.  Oh sure, when I was drinking and hanging out with my writing/performance pals in Chicago, I could always get a laugh.  But when I say I was drinking... man, was I drinking!  The fact that something I wrote brought a major portion of a room to the floor laughing so hard, and having a majorly published author telling the hostess of the event... "I can't follow that." should have been a source of joy for me... no.  It was an excuse to drink some more.




My neighbor and I laughed on the way to and from the meeting.  It felt good to do so clean.  He asked if I had discussed "triggers" with either my home group or my counselor/therapist.  I never did with the group I "thought" were my home group, but I certainly did with my counselor/therapist.  I will also share that discussion when I see her again in about a week.




Yeah, you have to laugh.  At yourself.  At life in general.  And, at the people around you.  I was going to bring it up at the meeting, but as it was my first time there, and I knew a number of the people there, I held my tongue from quoting Shakespeare... "All the world's indeed a stage and we are merely players.  Performers and portrayers..."




What?  You think Geddy Lee and Rush came up with that on their own?!




I hemmed and hawed about announcing a month sober at tomorrow's meeting.  I'm going to.  I need group support and hope to find someone as a sponsor.




Wordy today, sorry... I got a decent night's sleep on a proper bed... in my home with the two females that mean the most to me in the universe.    I'll try to find something to laugh about tonight.  :-)

Friday - February 19, 2016 - AA Discussion Meeting and a SOLEMN PROMISE!

Thought for the day that rang true:

"I cannot consider myself "different" in A. A.; if I do I isolate myself from others and from contact with my Higher Power. If I feel isolated in A.A., it is not something for which others are responsible. It is something I've created by feeling I'm "different" in some way. Today I practice being just another alcoholic in the worldwide Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous."

I'm fortunate enough to be allowed to come home this afternoon/evening.  I can't think of a better statement to bookend my nearly month-long (DAILY!) meetings with this fine Streamwood group.  I told the remaining folks that had met me, sat at tables with me, and just shared that I will be back in the area on the 29th for my next Counseling meeting.  I PROMISED I would visit again... even if it meant causing doubt on my wife's behalf of my location... I thought I owed them that much.

And top my wife... I posted some lyrics from KISS... as I was feeling sorry for myself... here's one more ESPECIALLY MEANT for you... I look forward to seeing you and the Nugget Monster... I have missed you both so much!

I gotta tell you what I'm feelin' inside,
I could lie to myself, but it's true
There's no denying when I look in your eyes,
Girl I'm out of my head over you

And I lived so long believin' all love is blind
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is through, girl I'll be lovin' you forever

 

I hear the echo of a promise I made
When you're strong you can stand on your own
But those words grow distant as I look at your face
No, I don't want to go it alone

I never thought I'd lay my heart on the line
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is through, girl I'll be lovin' you forever - yeah!

 

Oooh

I see my future when I look in your eyes
It took your love to make my heart come alive
'Cause I lived my life believin' all love is blind
But everything about you is tellin' me this time

 

It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is through, girl I'll be lovin' you forever

 

Oooh

 

I WILL NOT EVER LET THAT DOWN AGAIN!!!!
It's forever, this time I know and there's no doubt in my mind
Forever, until my life is through, girl I'll be lovin' you forever

 

 

Yeah

 

Thursday - February 18, 2016 - 12 & 12 - Step 9 and a Miscount

Today's meeting was a natural reflection of last Thursdays meeting... Steps 8 and 9 are a matched set.  As I said before, Step 8 deals with making amends to those I have harmed.  Step 9 reads as follows:

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Big request.  A MASSIVE one in my opinion.  As we took turns reading the entire chapter that goes along with that Step... it will inevitably prove to be the most difficult one for me to successfully fulfill.  I touched on this when I commented on last week's Step 8 meeting.  How in the world can I accomplish this one without opening up old wounds and contacting persons/people I really have no right contacting?!?  I was told from the other folks there today that I will know within myself who those people are that need amends.  I guess it will be a work in progress... for the time being, at any rate.

For some of my AA pals out there in other areas across the country... the blog will continue... but I have been given a gift.  I have been given the opportunity to return home.  Some of the people I have been seeing at these daily meetings I've been attending simply can't be there every single day, so I let them know that if they didn't see me... it didn't mean I'd given up or fallen.  I just get to return home and continue this much more successful endeavor with people closer to home.  I will let any remaining folks know tomorrow the same thing. 

I thanked them for their time, advice and guidance.  It's what made this time around even more concrete to me personally than previously.  I had an opportunity to share that the person I was, the one that originally entered AA back in Aurora was gone.  (RUN-ON SENTENCE NOMINEE FOR 2016!)  So was the man my wife was married to.  I'm not that same person any more.  I'd like to think I am better.  I've changed and am probably still changing... which is a good thing.  I didn't particularly like the person Jim was becoming.  That Jim wasn't much of a man.  I threw a lot of my life away... doing something utterly stupid.  Drinking.  That's not a life.  That's insanity.  A lot of self-delusion and being content with mediocrity. 

But this time around I know that I don't need to be content with that.  (If any of that ramble makes any sense.)

I miscounted my days of sobriety... a count my beautiful wife was all too ready to correct me on.  (AND I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST LOVING WAY POSSIBLE!!!!)  It will be a month of better aligned sobriety in/around the 22nd or so. 

That's all I've got for today.

Wednesday - February 17, 2016 - How It Works Meeting

Lovely weather.  Lovely meeting.  With the temperatures today, wearing the Blackhawks jacket and a sweatshirt was probably not the best idea... but it was nice to feel some warmth today.  Tomorrow and the day after ought to be fun as well, considering we'll be at nearly 50 degrees.

It was sort of "double" How it Works today.  I read that document at the beginning of the meeting and the meeting itself was on the same topic.  We had to share bits of our stories with one another.  In How It Works, we discuss what we were like prior to attending meetings and what we are like now.

If my math is indeed correct, tomorrow will mark one month clean and sober.  Looking forward to sharing that with the group.  It feels better this time around.  So, I am not going to complain.

Review on the Thought for Today:

"Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living."

I can relate to that thought.  I understand the new principles and attitudes I have undertaken in my life.  Is it good living?  That's a work in progress.  A continuous work in progress.

"STUFF" that doesn't work... another rant... sorry.

List O' Things That Do Not Work Here In Hell:

1. Downstairs bathroom.  Neither the toilet or shower can be used whatsoever.
2. Upstairs bathroom.  Toilet to be used tentatively at best.  Shower more or less forbidden, as Grumblor refuses to spend money to repair.  My brother has already started using his girlfriend's shower.  We've been reduced to using that mini-toilet in the bedroom annex.
3. Kitchen sink.  DO NOT EVER move the spigot as it will start a flood.  (While you're at it... don't use the disposal either.) 
4. The kitchen stove.  None of the heaters work without using a match.  (Laura Ingalls had a better stove than this place.)
5. Vegetable peeler... who needs one?
6. A functional blender.  (Tried making a cream soup tonight... only to have everything completely spill out over/under/through the sides...)

There's more.  I just don't have the time or the wherewithal to continue... because I was just called a mother <censored> by Grumblor.  My crime?  Asking if there was anything in this house that actually works.

Tonight's evening meeting is in Polish... I'm half tempted to attend just to get out of here for an hour.  It's not 'that' much different than Ukrainian... how bad can it be?

My wife just texted me the "ingredients" in ZZZQuil... her discovery explains a lot.  Will stop using that tonight.  I am thiiiiissss close to one month sincerely clean... but they are not making this any easier... But then... I am apparently a mother <censored>... what do I know?!

February 16, 2016 - STEP 5

"Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

Yeah, well... the first part is easy.  I'm a certified idiot in that realm.  I hold the brass ring on the wrongs I have done.  I try and correct that twice a day with my higher power...once in the morning and once at night.

Let's see... another human being... I once again poured my heart out to Janice yesterday, prior to her vacation.  She was at the very least blunt in the bit about me not needing any additional "out of office" counseling.  I really thought she was going to say something otherwise... but we had a really GOOD meetings, she and I... so who am I to comment further?!

So I got a little down on myself yesterday with last night's post... good song and bound to happen.  That will teach me to think of myself now won't it? 

I am two days shy of utter sobriety and I still feel like a sack of human excrement.  OK, so maybe trying ZZZQuil... (I RECOMMEND IT!) was not a wise idea... but I can't sleep here.  As it is I am curled up in a fetal position on a bed not meant for someone over six foot tall.  (I am ranting... I will stop!  My petty personal issues are immaterial.)  My word of the month... immaterial.

Look, every AA meeting means something to me.  I leave them with a little more knowledge than when I originally came in.  It's just that sometimes... well... I can't put my personal problems over those who speak first.  We in the group are all severely flawed... I cannot and will not take away from their pain and journey. 

But why is it that when I do what  my therapist suggests.. and that's "think of me"... that everything turns to the aforementioned excrement?!?  I can't win... not that I'm trying to win, mind you.  I'm just trying to be good.  I'm being honest.  I'm being as best a person as I can be....

What am I doing wrong?!?!

Hey "D" in Topeka... email me on the flipside... I could use someone else's thoughts.

SIDE NOTE:
It was oddly therapeutic to hobble home in complete silence and straight down snow!  When was the last time I experienced that... oh, I don't know... NEVER!  I PROMISE I will not post the lyrics to the Chili Peppers "Snow".... fantastic song, regardless.

P.S. - $1.49 BK nuggies aren't same without the $1 trillion dollar Eskie.

 

I Walk Alone? No. I am alone.

Thanks Bruce!  Once again this song means something to me!   (You were a thousand times better than Ace!!!)

I know deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
I belong, where no one else can be

I'm searching for myself again
And here I'm all alone and when
I close my eyes, no one else can see

I walk alone, can't you see?
I don't belong, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being is me

And I got myself to lean on
Got both my feet on the ground

You don't know me, I don't know me
I can't see you, you can't see me
Close my eyes, leave the world behind

So I got no heart, got no home
I got no song where I belong
I don't worry, everything's just fine

I walk alone, can't you see?
I don't belong, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being

And I don't belong, can't you see?

I walk alone, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being is me

And I got myself to lean on
I got both my feet on the ground

So I got no heart, and I got no home
And I got no song where I belong
I don't worry, everything's just

I got myself to lean on
Got both my feet on the ground

And I got myself to lean on
Got both my feet on the ground

Cause I know deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
Where I belong, where no one else can be

And I'm searchin' for myself again
And here I'm all alone and when
I close my eyes, and no one else can see

 

 

February 14, 2016 - AA, The Burgermeister and Scandal

I really wish there was another meeting tonight, as I simply CANNOT get out of this prison!!!!  Grumblor had two sons just sitting around the place and what does he do?  He makes his own wife go outside to shovel snow!!  And what happens when you actually say something??? ... you catch f-ing shit for opening your mouth!

He is now officially persona non grata in my eyes.  Much like what Michael did to Fredo!  You're dead to me!

AA today was all well and good... even with the horizontal snow...

On the plus side, I got to hear an old friend on the radio.  I just adore Robert Berger over on the CBS network.  It might be a teeny tiny bit racist, but I do so enjoy his sign off... who knew you could draw out one single word?!?

I also offered to go to Jewel(s) with the car as it was already out, but was told nothing was needed.  They're eating severely burnt garlic bread and some form of overcooked chicken and mini-farfalle.  After yesterday, I REFUSE to eat anything here ever again.  I'm still trying to get over this morning's/early afternoon's DEMAND... to MAKE ME SOME EGGS!  GFY, dude.  Simply GFY!  If I ever get the say so to return home... Stef has a new way of requesting breakfast.  LOL.

Back to the meeting, two days in a row of nothing major happening.  I guess that will make tomorrow's counseling session all that much better.  (Granted it was V-Day and the snow was falling... still... no one could come up with a viable topic?!?)  I've accepted that 3rd Step numerous times over... do we really need to fall back on that one when there is nothing to talk about?!

I will stop ranting now... I am better than this.  At least I got my big book back (try saying that three times fast)... something to read/reflect over.

Jim
CBS NEWS
Jaaa-Ruuu-Zzz-A-Lem!
(Loves ya Burgermeister!!!!) 

Saturday Evening Recap

We had an open speaker meeting last night (Saturday).  It wasn't the most riveting tale told as the person was very nervous speaking in front of a group of people.  It took her a lot of time to get the whole thing rolling, and even for a room that small, it was sometimes hard to hear her talk.  But I'm certainly not judging her!  It was just hard for some of the folks at the other tables to hear what she had to say, and when it came down to the questions/comments portion of the evening, there wasn't a lot to be said. 

My main take away from the meeting was her comment about "being too smart for our own good."  The whole concept that we were smart enough to handle our problem... when we clearly weren't.  I can relate with that... but I'm doing better.

As I say at my meetings after I speak, "That's all I got."

Friday - February 12, 2016 - BAD IDEA TO WALK!!!

Everything "seemed" fine before I left for my meeting today... the sun was out, there was very little ice on the sidewalks, and very little wind.  MAN DID THAT CHANGE when I got out!  I don't know what the wind chill was... but I was walking face first into the wind on the return.  That was brutal!  Yeah, that'd be my luck... get sober and then ultimately die of frostbite and pneumonia!  I KNEW I should've waited for the car for the later evening meeting.  Oh well.

ANYWAY... there were only three of us at the meeting, so I did the "How it Works" preamble.  The chairperson had to do his main disclosures, announcements, etc., so the last guy offered to read the 24 hour book entries for today and the Reflection of the Day. 

As there was just us, we took a brief five minute break after the readings, on the odd chance some people were running late and might still show up... when it was obvious it was just us, we agreed not to do a full Step meeting, and focus more on the daily meditations recommended by the program. 

When I started this the first time around, I only ever did the Lord's Prayer at night along with my rendition of the AA Nightly Prayer.  I thought that was enough.  I shared that with the other two and they both said that you (they and me) really should've been doing BOTH from the get-go.  While it was a small meeting, it was still a good one.  I've said it before... those smaller ones allow for more personal interaction.

So, here's the new morning/evening meditation:

MORNING
God, direct my thinking today so that it be empty of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking and fear. God, inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. Show me what I need to do to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man.
 EVENING

God, forgive me where I have been resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid today. Help me to not keep anything to myself but to discuss it all openly with another person - show me where I owe an apology and help me make it. Help me to be kind and loving to all people. Use me in the mainstream of life, Free me of worry, remorse or morbid (sick) reflections that I may be of usefulness to others.

 

SAD SIDE NOTE:

Came home to hear Grumblor on the phone speaking French.  Apparently my uncle Raymond was rushed to the hospital.  He's been in bad health recently.  One of his son's called from the hospital to say that things weren't going well.  More on this as it develops.

GROMMIE! WE'RE SO SAILING ON YOUR SHIP!!!

Back when he was alive, the Time Feline Eternal, Gromit, LOVED the film Titanic... any time the thing was on television, I would shout, "Grommie!  You're movie's on!"

I SWEAR he would sit either on my lap or on the couch and physically watch the film... I jokingly said that he just loved the scene with the dogs boarding, and he just wanted to watch them drown... as we never ever once saw a pussy cat in frame during the movie.  Oh, sure, we saw dogs, rats, that stereotypical character Fabrizio... but we never once saw a pussy cat harmed.  They of  course, being the superior creature, had the common sense to jettison themselves on their own lifeboat whilst all the bipeds and other quadrupeds were freaking out.  (IT'S HISTORY!  LOOK IT UP!!!)

But all kidding aside, there was one sequence that totally captivated him... I think it was just the colors on the screen... they must've been within a spectrum he could see... that whole bit in an almost ultraviolet blue where the survivors are in the water screaming... he would sit there transfixed.

So, in honor of you love of your favorite movie... and if the fates allow... we are SOOOOOO doing our best to get on the following cruise!

http://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/news/titanic-ii/replica-ship-to-set-sail-in-2018/ar-BBpo8wo?form=PRHPTP&ocid=HPCDHP

YOU'RE THE CAT OF THE WORLD!!!  :-)

Thursday - February 11, 2016 - 12&12 - Step 8

The Return of Cappuccina!  Always nice when M. chairs a meeting, he brings in his chocolate lab.  It's the closest I can get to a dog at the moment and she's affectionate... not as affectionate as one pooch I know... SNARFS TO THE ESKIE!

Today was a 12 & 12 meeting.  Twelve Steps and Twelve traditions.  I was asked to read the lengthier "How It Works" document.  No biggie.  A pleasure to do it.

Step 8:
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

I am in that process with my counselor.  I'm also working that one with those around me right now.  I already mentioned that I had made amends with my brother some days ago, so that's him down.  My parents aren't making this particular Step easy for me, but I am trying my best to work on that with them.

Whether she knows it or not, I make amends with my wife Stef daily by remaining sober and going to therapy and meetings.

Part of the actual chapter reading we did made mention of the sense of being/feeling overwhelmed that undertaking this particular step may provoke.  There are quite a few people I was hoping to avoid as they probably don't want to hear from me ever again... and I was kind of hoping I could sort of lump them into Step 9... the bit about "making amends except when to do so would injure them or others"... I don't think it would injure them... it's just been so long of not communicating that I didn't want any of them to think I was trying to re-enter their lives.  Weird feeling, I guess.  Another topic to bring up with Janice, I guess. 

Question that followed today's AA Thought of the Day for this date.  I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it:

Have I found that when I keep sober, everything goes well for me?

Ah well, as Tom Baker says... I won't say that about everything...but yeah... it sort of does.  So far so good, at any rate.

Really good meeting today.  Temps outside during the walk over could've been slightly warmer, but it was a really pretty early afternoon walk to and from.   

Early V-Day Message for Stef

Quick Wednesday Recap

I'm not going to spend any time complaining about what happened around here AFTER the meeting... I am better than that and I'm not really supposed to complain about what I can't control.

 

So instead, I am going to talk briefly about the meeting yesterday evening.  The topic was the victory of surrender.  More or less, only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps towards liberation and strength.  By surrendering I found victory — victory over my selfish self-indulgence, victory over my stubborn resistance to life as it was given to me. When I stopped fighting anybody or anything, I started on the path to sobriety, serenity and peace.

 

I like that.

Tuesaday - February 9, 2016 - Sobriety Week in Review

Due to a drastic change in weather, I had to forego the earlier afternoon meeting I normally attend, and had to wait for a vehicle to get to the meeting.  I made it with a few moments to spare.  This normally would've been a "Sobriety Week in Review" meeting (a new one/format for me) where we'd all talk about the week we've had.

However, a guy was there tonight that had barely twelve hours of sobriety... (OR... a new word I learned today... "DRIETY")... so a vast majority of the meeting was talking to this older guy who had the shakes something fierce.  He was NOT in a good place or frame of mind.  We did a quick round robin of Step 1... but it was hard to tell how much he was taking in.   As we were leaving, I did notice that the chairperson and another gentleman celebrating 25 years stuck around to continue speaking with him.  They had time before the 8PM meeting took place, so I hope he got something out of their encouragement.


Takeaways from the meeting:
1.  Drinking stopped being fun and ultimately became troublesome.  I relate to that.  But I've moved past that and I think it shows.  It was never fun the way I was doing it, nor should it ever have been fun. 

2.  As I said earlier, I learned a new word tonight... DRIETY.  I think that and my ego were what initially prevented me from having the program stick that first time around.  I wasn't actively working the Steps during those four-ish months... sure I wasn't drinking... but I also wasn't entirely sober, either.  I was dry.  Dry and not working the Steps.  This is why things are MASSIVELY different this time around.

I am doing well in counseling.  I am actively working almost all of the 12 Steps on a daily basis... and have foregone driety for contented sobriety.  That's the word that springs to mind.  Content.  I'm not thinking solely of myself these days.  I covered the 12th Step tonight in offering my assistance and thoughts with this new person...  so something is different within me.  :-)

One day at a time.  One day at a time.

Sedation, A Brick and... Ignorance.

Ok, let me preface tonight's entry with a very heartfelt comment... "D" in Topeka... I SINCERELY WISH we could meet up!  We have a similar story to tell... but we can only deal with the people we are dealt with locally.  (My sincerest best to you and your wife and family... who knows if Rt. 66 somehow meets up with your general location... let me know!!!)  ;-)

So what did I have today?  A very, exceptional meeting with my counselor and some "limited" time taking about me.  I thought that's what I was supposed to do... yet it turned to my shiznit brother and his pretend kid.  I tried sharing that with the owner of the car as I picked her up from work earlier this evening... and I IMMEDIATELY got derailed for sharing THEIR personal information with my counselor.  Oh, the truth hurts, does it?

FYI - Janice agreed they all needed massive counseling... but that fell on deaf ears.  How DARE I talk about shiznit going on in my real life... how DARE I tell the truth?!?  Pardon me for doing what my counselor told me to do... which was... to think about myself just for a freaking moment.  Why do I bother?


TONIGHT'S MEETING:
I think I've got Step 3 covered, guys!  Considering all that's going on.. that was an unnecessary step... for me at any rate this evening.  Just saying. 

ASININE COMMENT OF THE NIGHT:

GRUMBLOR:  Garble, garble, garble... MAKE ME SOME TEA!  Um... it's less than five feet away from you... do it yourself... {garbled profanity ensued}... Look, seriously.. I'm not looking to die... but this isn't helping, but a park bench in Grant Park in mid-Chicago-February is looking pretty sweet right about now... so does an entire industrial-sized 4 ton van of beer in St. Louis... but I'm not doing that... am I?

P.S.:
I found it HYSTERICAL when I got to the mom's car... that "I Wanna Be Sedated" was playing on WXRT... only to followed by Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall."  (I want the first and I know I am the second.)

P.P.S.:
AVOID PEPPERIDGE FARM PECAN PIE COOKIES!!!! EEEWWWWW!!!! THAT'S NEARLY 3 BUCKS I WILL NEVER GET BACK!!!!  HORRIBLE!  HORRIBLE!  HORRIBLE!!!!!!

RACISM GALORE and Some Calming Photos

My evening meeting can't come soon enough... all I am hearing is about the Half-Time Show About (and I sort of politely quote...)  "That (insert your own use of the letter 'n' here).. Balloonsee (HIS racist commentary, not mine)... and how she should be exterminated for even existing....

Said I:  What do you care?  You didn't even watch the game or performance?
Said Grumblor:  <CENSORED 'n' word of your choice> I don't need to watch to have an opinion.

SIGH!!!!

I am going to try and post some calming photos... let's see what happens:

For Teggie:

Miss you... you little sugar booger

And one more just to cleanse my soul despite the parental racial hatred... this one is for you Boo:

I'm off to a meeting.  Maybe I'll get ran over on the hobble there.  I need a meeting... I just feel like my life sucks right about now.  More later if time permits or I feel the compunction to do so. (Sorry!)

Sunday - February 7, 2016 - Just Be Useful

Today was a VERY GOOD open meeting.  The speaker had the usual issues, but he circumnavigated them, in order to just get to the heart of his speech.

Yet again, part of the speech was taking it one day at a time... which I am doing, so that's good.

I commented afterwards during the "comments" portion of the meeting.  I thoroughly related to the bit about where he said it wasn't "just about quitting drinking"... it was working the Steps in conjunction with the not drinking.  (Hey!  That's what I've been doing!  Pat on the mental back of me to appease my counselor who said I need to do more things for myself.  Yes, yes, some ego still there, but I apparently have to take small victories where I can find them.)

My favorite part of his speech was the portion about just being useful to other people and to NO LONGER CARRY THE WEIGHT of what bothers those around me... Holy Pepperoni!  That's what I think I'm doing right now!  I will discuss this with Janice tomorrow afternoon.

My one complaint about today's meeting involved a very bitter member of Al-Anon that came into the meeting.  As it was an open meeting, there were about four new people that were there for their first time... I don't think they needed to hear how utterly horrible she thought we all were for being what we are.  She went out of her way to take up about 15 minutes of commentary time to tick off the litany of complaints she had against her husband.  Fine, but I found it a little self-centered to go out of her way to chastise the rest of the group for something they had no direct interaction.

I could tell by the look on some of the first-timer's faces that they probably wouldn't be coming back... at least not to that meeting. 

I just found it very strange that in AA we're told to let go of our self-centered, selfish, ego-inflating ideals and help other people... yet all this woman spoke about was what she was taught in Al-Anon... and that was to think only of themselves...

Isn't that a contradiction in terms for both groups?  How are we NOT going to lock horns?  I'm being told to let go of my previous regeneration... and they're being told to hold onto to their current ones with everything they have.

Maybe I'm missing something... maybe I'll address that one with Janice.  We will see tomorrow.

SIDE NOTE:
Grumblor is having a banner day.  He's become Shrieklore about "Handball" as he calls tonight's sporting event.  All Americans are morons, etc. etc. etc.  He's in a particularly fine mood... it's going to be a LOOOONNNG EVENING!

Saturday Evening Meeting Recap

Saturday's meeting was an open one with a speaker.  It was an exceptional meeting.  Met and spoke with some very friendly people, and heard a very uplifting story.

I could relate to the portion of his story of looking into the mirror and absolutely hating what I saw there, and how I internally blamed everything else around me for being responsible, but the fact of the matter is... I still made the choice drink.  No one else did.

What was his one comment?  True courage is not the lack of fear, but to work through that fear no matter what.  (Something like that.  By the time I pulled out my little notebook to jot that down, he'd moved on to another topic.

The other take away was the part about learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I think I'm doing a much better job of that this time around.

Couple of potential meeting options for either this morning or early afternoon.  I still haven't decided which one I want to attend.  Probably should get cleaned up first and then figure it out.

More later.

EDIT:
19 Least Intelligent Dog Breeds... I take issue with the Bullie entry.  My bullie was extremely smart.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/pets/the-19-least-intelligent-dog-breeds/ss-BBofzoG?ocid=HPCDHP#image=6

Crackin' Toast Gromit - A Rant

Yesterday (Friday) my brother went to go pick up his pretend daughter and take her to Disney on Ice.  Fair enough... whatever floats their boat.  I asked if she was staying the weekend and when I heard that she was I started hiding cans of Diet Dr. Pepper.  I've gone from hiding cans of beer to hiding cans of Diet Dr. Pepper.  I felt bad doing it, but I only just bought the twelve pack yesterday.  I hobbled over to the 7-11 after my meeting and wasn't about to watch another batch disappear.

When I got home, Grumblor decided he wanted one of his Boston Market Meat Loaf dinners, as its one of the few things he can eat without his teeth.  But that's not the point of this post.  My mother came home from work not long after that and noticed that he was already eating, so she opted not to make dinner as she wasn't in the mood to cook.  So, her dinner of choice?

Toast.

She:  Vant zum toast?
Me:  Um, no thanks.  I'm fine.

She starts with a single piece of bread and she keeps ejecting the piece of bread every few seconds to check on doneness.  I'm assuming, much like everything else in this place, it no longer works properly.  Once she was satisfied she said:

She:  I've got butter.
Me:  Honestly, I'm fine.

After a brief search of the fridge she follows up with:

She:  Look!  I have jelly, too.

When I turned it down again, she just went downstairs to watch The Young and the Restless.  I gave her some quiet time for that and then went downstairs,  She then switched over to PBS to watch Check, Please.  She has a notepad next to her chair.  She writes down the names and addresses of restaurants you just know she's not ever going to visit.  She claims it's for possible sites to take work clients.  Whatever.

Around 7:30 or so, Grumblor demanded cheeseburgers.  So we ended up going out to Wendy's.  I really wasn't hungry any more by this point, but I was forced to order something, so I chose a small burger from their $1.00 menu.  Again, whatever.  I can't win either way.  I'm either told I'm too fat or I don't eat anything... which do you want?!

She started getting worried about Grunty and the kid's whereabouts as it was rapidly approaching 10:30.  I admit that I found it weird, too.  I can't imagine Disney on Ice running that late into the evening.  When they finally returned home, Grunty was already yelling at her as they entered the house.  Now, I'm no father but I'm pretty sure you don't call a child a f-ing bitch to her face.  They apparently went to Taco Bell, so he practuically flung a taco or two at her and went into his room.  The usual grunting ensued.

Their argument carried over into his room and she started crying.  I think she stopped around 1AM.  I've  been up since 4:45AM.  I was going to  stay up and type all this then, but when I went to the bathroom, there was Grumblor still lip-reading YouTube and hacking up a lung.  I just went back into the sauna and read for the most part.

Around 7:20, I came out here to the kitchen and was pleased to see that Grumblor had finally shut off the computer, but he immediately came over when I turned on Grunty's laptop.  Grunty woke up not long after and whatever happened to start their argument continued... he's demanding an apology.  He's off to take her to piano lessons and her math tutor soon, so they will be out of the house,

As for me, I'll be hitting the shower and seeing about hitting an earlier meeting... who knows... maybe I can hit too if there's a decent schedule in store for today.

I'll stop ranting now.  I'm just tired, I guess.  Gee, I wonder why that is?!  I'll do a real post some time later today... I'm sure there will be things to discuss.

Oh, and thanks to some of you out there checking out the blog.  I can see on the tail-end of things that I've  been getting hits from the same people in several different states. 

As the Talking Toaster said in the hit BBC comedy "Red Dwarf".... "Anyone want some toast?"

Friday - February 5, 2016 - Step 2 and a "Possible" Gig

HUGE meeting today.  There had to be at least 25 people!  I guess that happens on a Friday afternoon.

So today was Step 2:

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Now, I've already embraced that particular Step... and I know seriously (if I truly work at it) that nothing is really that painful or insurmountable (Their word, not mine.)  My insanity and ego are totally linked and I have to give them both up.  Or something like that.  At least that's what I took out of the meeting.

SIDE NOTE:
So, while in the meeting, my phone went off.  It was a 630 number.  I thought it might be Janice calling to reschedule, but she's at an 847 number.  It was another temp agency asking if I'd be interested in a Proposal Writer gig with Motorola.  It sounds temporary but with potential.  I initially responded via email to the guy who contacted me and updated my information per his request.  I 'm not sure what to expect from this.  We managed to link up via the phone.  His name is Rahul... and he's a little hard to understand,  We did a quick five minute phone interview.  He would like to progress further, but I had to push him back into next week.

I know I'm not supposed to lie anymore, but I had to offer a slight fib.  I don't think all that is going on in my life should be common knowledge at the moment.  He knew through my most recent resume that I am "technically" still in Aurora.  I told him that I am helping my family out at the moment and do not at present have access or time to commit to an official interview.  We will reconvene via phone in the new week.  We shall see what will happen.  Pay would be pretty good if it actually panned out... slightly better than the OMX money I was making... but temp.  Five to six months at the beginning. 

I need to get my head around all of this.

Mr. Sandman... ANOTHER ADDITION!!!

OMG!!!!

Another addition to my dream catcher list!!!

I was practically ORDERED to make my brother and his girlfriend dinner tonight, as my mother couldn't be bothered to do it... far more important to watch The Young and the Restless apparently.  (ALTHOUGH... interesting to see former GH stars doing better acting!)

ANYWAY... I opened the pantry to grab any sort of seasoning... as she "forgot" to buy appropriate amounts of... oh, I don't know... FAJITA SEASONING on her way home.  One tiny Walmart packet isn't going to cover the amount of chicken she bought. 

The seasoning I grabbed DIED IN 1999!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm not kidding!  There
s no mistaking the date stamp and copyright stamp on the package.  So, my brother and his girlfriend get to eat whatever the "F" has been prepared for them tonight.  Bon chance guys!  I'm not touching that stuff!!

Thursday - February 4, 2016 - Step 7 and Who Let the Dog In?

Today's meeting was a 12&12 meeting.  Step 7 and Tradition 7.  The Step qualifies for me, but the tradition was more for AA as a whole and didn't come into our conversation.  Tradition 7 deals with the AA group being self-supporting. 

There were only five people in attendance and one VERY LONG in the snout Chocolate Lab named Cappucinna.  Sweet pooch belonging to the hippie that served as the moderator today.  I once again did the daily 24 reading for today and that didn't really apply to me either as I never really took any friends out drinking, which is what the Thought of the Day was about.  Ruining other people's sobriety and encouraging their alcoholism.  I don't think I ever did anything like that to the best of my knowledge.

Step 7:
"Humbly asked Him (God) to remove our shortcomings."

We all took turns reading the full chapter pertaining to this Step and the gist of the conversation was that of humility.  Oddly enough, I was only just speaking to Janice the other day about this entire Step.  We're both of the opinion that I'm doing well on the humility aspect of my life... but it also sort of contradicts what she suggested about me making time for myself.

How does one stay humble AND do things for one's self?  A question I suppose I will have to ask her on Monday... provided that's the day we are meeting.  I need to call her again and leave another message.  She didn't return my previous call... but she was most probably busy.  Her phone does tend to ring a lot during sessions.  Those calls go straight to voicemail.

So, humility, humility, humility.  I know about humiliation... that's for sure.  I will have to continue working on the actual "humility" portion.  A lot of these Steps are easier for me this time around.

February 3, 2016 - I Read the Following Today

I got to read the following at today's meeting:

"By drinking, we escaped from boredom for a while. We almost forgot our troubles. But when we sobered up, our troubles were twice as bad. Drinking had only made them worse. In A.A., we really escape boredom. Nobody's bored at an A.A. meeting. We stick around after it's over and we hate to leave. Drinking gave us a temporary feeling of importance. When we're drinking, we kid ourselves into thinking we are somebody. We tell tall stories to build ourselves up. In A.A., we don't want that kind of self-importance. We have real self-respect and honesty and humility."


I can relate to the forgetting our troubles part well enough... but the one that gets me is that drinking only made them worse!  Isn't that the truth?!  I've also certainly kidded myself about my own self-importance.

I think I'm doing a good job on honesty and humility.  I hope self-respect finds its way into my life.  It's just that for the past nearly two weeks, I constantly keep feeling down on myself... which is a hard thing to let go of.  I shared that around the table earlier and they too, like my counselor Janice, said to keep working hard on it.  It will apparently come to me when I least expect it.

ANY TIME NOW!!!   

Wednesday February 3, 2016 - Mr. Sandman... Send Me A Dream

OBSERVATION:

There are 23 Dream Catchers hanging around this house.  I counted them out of sheer boredom.  Upstairs and downstairs, a total of 23 of the damn things.

Do you know what dream(s) I want caught?

1.  Light bulbs of a massively higher wattage.  I know he used to work in a coal mine... but does the house have to look like one too?  It's like living in a crypt.  The only sunlight I technically see is during my walk to and from AA meetings.

2.  Triple A (AAA) batteries.  The remotes downstairs do not work at all.  I have to steal batteries from my brother's room remote just to turn on the damn television and then return them once it's on.  It's annoying.

3.  A vegetable peeler. I was going to make them soup and asked where the vegetable peeler was.  I know they had one as I was the one who bought it some time ago.  I was told it was thrown away as they never used it.  Oh sure, throw away a useful kitchen utensil but keep rotted spoons that we haven't used since Jimmy Carter was in the White House.  (SERIOUSLY!)

SIDE NOTE:
My brother just left for work.  He opened the pantry looking for a package of Pop Tarts to take with him.  Imagine his surprise when there was only one package left from a box that was only purchased a day or so ago.  I know I didn't eat them as I can't stand blueberries... but I did see Grumblor with two separate plates of the things yesterday.

Weather looks better today, so no dealing with horizontal rain for my meeting. 

Tuesday February 2, 2016 - Step 6 and As-Salamu Alaykum

How badly do I want to remain sober?  How about hobbling down the street for my meeting today in a February thunderstorm... with horizontal rain... with only two other people at the meeting once I got there?

All that being said, I had a good day. 

Today's topic was a VERY NICE change of pace... we went over Step Six:

"Were entirely ready to have God remove our shortcomings."

Well, that's easier said than done... I have LOADS of shortcomings... as mentioned in this journal/blog... but as I approach it stone cold sober... you know what... maybe asking for that isn't too far fetched.  My story was no different than those of the other people there tonight.

I'm slowly getting over my self-centeredness and self-pity.  If my higher power did that for me or I did it for myself... who can say?

A lovely thing happened after the meeting. 

The other two people were there for the Polish-speaking meeting following ours, so I was on my own.  I got out of the building, and the minute the door closes, it locks.  So, there I was under the awning... witnessing a February thunderstorm (as previously mentioned)... I wasn't about to hobble home so I went into the Muslim mini-mart next door to just avoid getting soaked.  The guy at the counter, Tariq, was very nice and offered me a cup of coffee...I told him I had no money, as I just gave AA my last two singles... he said, "No.  My coffee." and he offered me one of those teeny-tiny cups of Middle Eastern coffees.  It looked like something Barbie would drink.

We shared a moment and the weather let up enough for me to trudge on home.

As-Salamu Alaykum. Tariq!  If Grumblor knew about that interaction, I'm sure he'd be throwing a mattress around the house.  HAH!  I WIN!  SMALL VICTORY!

Monday - February 1, 2016 - One Good Meeting. One Bad Meeting.

I'm typing this the day after the fact, as I didn't have access to a computer.  I had a very good second meeting with my counselor Janice yesterday.  We briefly went over some of the initial topics we discussed last week before moving on to how things are today.

Still sober, so that's a great thing. 

She asked what I was doing for myself lately and I replied "You mean apart from not drinking and going to meetings daily?"  She said yes.  What am I doing for myself?  What things make me happy?  I told her that's a double edged sword at the present time.  I told her I love to cook, but considering all that's  been going down around here the past couple of days, I see no reason to do it.

She asked about Stef and whether or not we'd been in contact with one another.  I said only through text messages.  Janice suggested I offer to cook for her for Valentine's Day... but then I pointed out that THAT particular suggestion was problematic.  That would involve me going back home... and I don't think Stef wants me back there any time soon.  Also, it wouldn't be fair to tease Tegan like that... showing up for one evening and then disappearing again.  So, I'm at a loss. 

Janice had a question for Stef and I offered her number so she could ask her herself, but all she wanted to know was the timeframe involved in this separation.  I told Janice I certainly couldn't ask Stef that question as it would sound like it were coming from me and not someone else.  So, again, Jim's at a loss.

So, what am I doing for myself.  The same.  Remaining sober and going to meetings daily.  I will ATTEMPT to cook something for them... and have that fall flat on my face when Grumblor finds he can't or won't eat it.  SIGH.

BAD MEETING
I know it's the beginning of a new month and the leadership role over at AA changes hands... but I don't think the guy running last night's meeting knew what he was doing.  Hell, he pretty much said so himself.  He went through the basic preamble stuff.  I volunteered to read the Thought/Meditation and Prayer for the Day.  That's been about the third time or so that I've done it.  I will probably offer to do it again later this afternoon (Tuesday) when I go to the next meeting.

ANYWAY... the guy used the moment for topic selection to go off on some bizarre tangent about the episode of road rage he experienced on the way into the meeting, and that was the topic we were supposed to discuss when we broke up into separate groups.  We all just kind of looked at one another with a WTF look on our faces?  We tried to narrow it down to some sort of semblance of an AA related topic, but nothing came out of it.  We just shared a brief story and that was about it.  We stood up and did the prayer and went about our way.  It seems that was happening at the other tables, too.

So that was probably the worst AA meeting I've ever been to.  It can only get better from here.

SIDE NOTE:
Got home after my meeting and was told by Grumblor that there were cheese sticks on  the stove.  I lifted the lid and there was the tiniest sliver of cheese stick left and he's sitting there with that self-serving smug smirk on his face.  Oooooh, you got me, Grumblor!  (Then he complains that I don't eat.)  SIGH.  I took a photo of it.  I have no idea how to upload it from the phone onto this blog... as it should remain online in perpetuity. 

One day at a time, indeed Jim!  One day at a time!

HUH! Bad Boys! Bad Boys! Whatcha Gonna Do?

So my father popped a cog Sunday evening.  For whatever reason Grumblor was feeling particulary feisty and decided to tell my brother that he wanted him and his girlfriend out of the house.  (By the way, he said that to her face!)  My brother obviously got angry.  Words of the four letter variety started flying.

I made the mistake of asking where the cutting board was, as I was going to make something for my mom to eat.  I didn't know it was in the dishwasher.  He mumbled something unintelligible and I could make out, "What do you need the cutting board for?"  Ummm... to cut something, I imagine?!

He got pissy about me wanting to dirty something he was in the process of cleaning.  I didn't need it right that moment.  I was more than willing to wait the ten minutes left on the dishwasher timer.  I figured... "No big deal."  Well, apparently it was a big deal.  He started ranting about who knows what and more or less kicked me out of the house as well.  My mom got in his face and she ended up leaving in her car.  That's when he got extremely extra-pissy.  He tried calling her cellphone, but accidentally dialed his sister Marcy.  I think it was her that called the fuzz, as she called while they were in the kitchen.

It was amazing at how quickly his ranting, grumbling gibberish turned into actually sentences when there were two uniformed police officers standing there.  My brother defused the situation with the police.  They asked if he and my father wanted them to put out a look-out for her car, but they declined, saying she'd be home shortly.  Which she did.

So... WTF was all that about?!  I don't know.  I asked my mother about it this morning on our ride into her work.  She's letting me use her car so I can attend my counseling session later this afternoon.  She said that he gets like that from time to time.  Like that makes it any better?! 

He's doing the traditional thing of ignoring it all... as if it never happened.  He's pretend gambling right now.  I've packed my bags regardless.  I will have to see what other options there are out there for me.

Another day in paradise.